DONE!!!
Suffice it to say that I am not a "reader". I began reading Pride and Prejudice last summer and got about a third of the way done. LOVED IT. You never would have known it since I put it down for months. This is one of my favorite stories, I could watch any of a number of movie adaptations, a couple of times a month. Well drumroll please... I finished it!
A friend of mine asked whether it ended as well as the movies portrayed. Answer: no. I was slightly disappointed at the ending. Maybe because even as a movie, it's a story that I really never want to see end. I secretly hoped the book had a little more emotion in the end but it did not (for me). All in all though, absolutely wonderful! Will definitely read it again!
Little note or tidbit that I ran across and truly didn't expect. Do you ever read something or see something played out and it fit you so well that it kind of took you aback? I did in this book, maybe it surprised me so because I have seen the film versions so often that I didn't expect a surprise like this...
I have touched on respect before, as it applies to me and my "Mr." Check this out though. I had to call and read it to my mom the next day, I totally fit/feel this...
Pride and Prejudice Quote
Ok so all of that to say.. Bucket List - Pride and Prejudice - CHECK!
Side note, I do believe I will do my best to attend one of the Music In The Park evenings this season! Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Monday, June 2, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Eleven
Today marks my eleventh wedding anniversary. One would think that after two years of separation and all of the mess before that, that this wouldn't bother me anymore. I knew today was coming up. But somehow it slipped my mind until there I was sitting in a restaurant by myself and the waitress asked me where my kids were. We obviously frequent this restaurant. I thought it was sweet that she asked. As I began to say that the girls were with their dad this weekend, she asked whether we were separated. It was in that moment that I realized it had slipped my mind.
I know we are where we are, and I don't expect anything to change. I don't hope for reconciliation. But as much as I am content with moving forward, I doubt I will ever really get over my marriage ending. I will never really get over what this has done my children.
I feel like it's unusual to be sad that it's finally legally ending but relieved it's almost over. Bittersweet.
As for the sabbatical, I have not been as successful as I had hoped. I know I can't be too hard on myself. I know I have made progress. But all I can see are the areas that I'm not hitting my own expectation of myself.
The truth is I'm pretty happy where I am. But I know I could be more happy with a special someone by my side. So don't have to do it all alone. So that we don't have to do it all alone.
So I have a little more than three months left of my sabbatical and I'm hoping that I really take advantage of it.
I will be happy when I don't feel this internal struggle of what I feel like and believe God has promised me versus what I believe or feel like is actually happening. They conflict. It's so hard for me. I want to have faith. Faith that what He says will happen WILL happen. And I do have that faith in a lot of ways. But I guess with my past experience with men, I've lost that faith. That trust. That willingness to let go.
I have hidden something in my heart for so long, and to see it not come together (or at least not in the way I expected it to) is hard. Is this thing that I have hidden in my heart and inordanent thing? How do I know when to let go?
Okay I am so sorry. Way too much rambling on and on tonight. Just so much on my mind.
I know we are where we are, and I don't expect anything to change. I don't hope for reconciliation. But as much as I am content with moving forward, I doubt I will ever really get over my marriage ending. I will never really get over what this has done my children.
I feel like it's unusual to be sad that it's finally legally ending but relieved it's almost over. Bittersweet.
As for the sabbatical, I have not been as successful as I had hoped. I know I can't be too hard on myself. I know I have made progress. But all I can see are the areas that I'm not hitting my own expectation of myself.
The truth is I'm pretty happy where I am. But I know I could be more happy with a special someone by my side. So don't have to do it all alone. So that we don't have to do it all alone.
So I have a little more than three months left of my sabbatical and I'm hoping that I really take advantage of it.
I will be happy when I don't feel this internal struggle of what I feel like and believe God has promised me versus what I believe or feel like is actually happening. They conflict. It's so hard for me. I want to have faith. Faith that what He says will happen WILL happen. And I do have that faith in a lot of ways. But I guess with my past experience with men, I've lost that faith. That trust. That willingness to let go.
I have hidden something in my heart for so long, and to see it not come together (or at least not in the way I expected it to) is hard. Is this thing that I have hidden in my heart and inordanent thing? How do I know when to let go?
Okay I am so sorry. Way too much rambling on and on tonight. Just so much on my mind.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
1 Down! 25 to go!?!?
Week one has come and gone and It was bittersweet for me.
First to focus on the positive....
- A bed time for Mom has been implemented and I have stuck pretty close to it. There is a HUGE difference in being in bed by 10:30 instead of 1:30am! Who would have thought?!
- Mornings have become much better due to me getting up earlier and helping the girls a little more.
- The Marble Jar! I am attempting to teach the girls about teamwork. We now have a mason jar which each girl gets to put a marble in if :
-- she is ready BEFORE it is time to go.
-- she helps her sister succeed while getting ready. This could mean grabbing part of her school clothes when you are getting your own or could even mean deciding to leave your sister alone and let her get ready when normally you would distract her from what I have set for her to do.
-- they are sweet in the car to and from school
-- they willingly help with an evening chore and maintane a positive attitude while doing it.
So far we have discussed how if we do this every day, we will soon reach our goal of filling the jar and can have a party of some kind. As easily as marbles can be added to the jar they can be taken out. A time or two sisters have tattled on each other and after being reminded that their tattling could result in a sister removing a marble and slow our progress of filling the jar, we became MUCH more supportive of our sister and of our team!
- Chores! Guess what?! The girls agree that it is in fact NOT fair for mommy to have to do them all alone. We plan to spend 15 minutes at least every other night working as a team on some kind of chore. We were quite successful 3 nights so far and the girls loved listening to music and each earning a marble :D it's the little things, isn't it?
- Devotional time plus having my makeup on before I leave home! One of these is quite important and the other much less so but they have both made me feel so much better! I begin a new Bible study this Wednesday night at church which I plan to do in conjunction with my daily devotional.
- Diet & Exercise have been touched on, eating less and making some better choices. Cutting out soda also. BABY STEPS.
So now for the bitter part of bittersweet.
My poor phone. She must think I have died. She is in mourning - screen always in black. :'(
This is my choice though. And isn't it odd how we can go weeks or even months without communicating with someone who is important to us, but the moment it becomes intentional the degree of difficulty as well as thought put on it goes up exponentially!?
I wish I had some witty lyric to insert here as that is the only thing that feels appropriate but the lyrics have never been my strong suit. I just enjoy hearing them.
If this is all I have to complain about, I guess I am doing pretty fair.
First to focus on the positive....
- A bed time for Mom has been implemented and I have stuck pretty close to it. There is a HUGE difference in being in bed by 10:30 instead of 1:30am! Who would have thought?!
- Mornings have become much better due to me getting up earlier and helping the girls a little more.
- The Marble Jar! I am attempting to teach the girls about teamwork. We now have a mason jar which each girl gets to put a marble in if :
-- she is ready BEFORE it is time to go.
-- she helps her sister succeed while getting ready. This could mean grabbing part of her school clothes when you are getting your own or could even mean deciding to leave your sister alone and let her get ready when normally you would distract her from what I have set for her to do.
-- they are sweet in the car to and from school
-- they willingly help with an evening chore and maintane a positive attitude while doing it.
So far we have discussed how if we do this every day, we will soon reach our goal of filling the jar and can have a party of some kind. As easily as marbles can be added to the jar they can be taken out. A time or two sisters have tattled on each other and after being reminded that their tattling could result in a sister removing a marble and slow our progress of filling the jar, we became MUCH more supportive of our sister and of our team!
- Chores! Guess what?! The girls agree that it is in fact NOT fair for mommy to have to do them all alone. We plan to spend 15 minutes at least every other night working as a team on some kind of chore. We were quite successful 3 nights so far and the girls loved listening to music and each earning a marble :D it's the little things, isn't it?
- Devotional time plus having my makeup on before I leave home! One of these is quite important and the other much less so but they have both made me feel so much better! I begin a new Bible study this Wednesday night at church which I plan to do in conjunction with my daily devotional.
- Diet & Exercise have been touched on, eating less and making some better choices. Cutting out soda also. BABY STEPS.
So now for the bitter part of bittersweet.
My poor phone. She must think I have died. She is in mourning - screen always in black. :'(
This is my choice though. And isn't it odd how we can go weeks or even months without communicating with someone who is important to us, but the moment it becomes intentional the degree of difficulty as well as thought put on it goes up exponentially!?
I wish I had some witty lyric to insert here as that is the only thing that feels appropriate but the lyrics have never been my strong suit. I just enjoy hearing them.
If this is all I have to complain about, I guess I am doing pretty fair.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Sabbatical
Change is an essential part of life. For some time now I have felt like I needed to make some changes but didn't have the determination to follow through. Change in areas such as:
Bed time. This effects a lot of my frustration.
Quiet time. Devotional time, prayer time or bible study daily
Eating and exercise. Duh.
Social media - has become an addiction for me.
My home being out of order due to the effects of some items listed here.
And last but definitely not least... Relationship. This is a toughie.
I have been blessed in so many ways. Work, friends, family, TCA. And you may know that the husband of a very good friend of mine is my direct supervisor at work. While some of you may think that sounds like torture, it has been a Godsend for me. I am thankful to be able to say that he and his wife are undoubtedly my advocates. I know I am exactly where God wants me where work is concerned.
He and another male coworker challenged me to finally do this. And I am so excited to see what blessings will come. I often feel like a failure due to my misuse of time and hope that to be less and less as I move forward.
I have made a private covenant as well regarding friendships and relationships which will be the hardest part of this sabbatical but I pray God uses this time like only He can.
I am tired of not being the woman I know I am supposed to be. So let's get on with it :)
Bed time. This effects a lot of my frustration.
Quiet time. Devotional time, prayer time or bible study daily
Eating and exercise. Duh.
Social media - has become an addiction for me.
My home being out of order due to the effects of some items listed here.
And last but definitely not least... Relationship. This is a toughie.
I have been blessed in so many ways. Work, friends, family, TCA. And you may know that the husband of a very good friend of mine is my direct supervisor at work. While some of you may think that sounds like torture, it has been a Godsend for me. I am thankful to be able to say that he and his wife are undoubtedly my advocates. I know I am exactly where God wants me where work is concerned.
He and another male coworker challenged me to finally do this. And I am so excited to see what blessings will come. I often feel like a failure due to my misuse of time and hope that to be less and less as I move forward.
I have made a private covenant as well regarding friendships and relationships which will be the hardest part of this sabbatical but I pray God uses this time like only He can.
I am tired of not being the woman I know I am supposed to be. So let's get on with it :)
One of my dearest friends read today's devotional to me from "Jesus Calling" below are today's and tomorrow's. How much better does it get, folks?
Sunday, August 26, 2012
As a Christian we should Forgive the inexcusable in others just like God forgave the inexcusable in us!
Forgiveness... Yuck. This is not something I typically have much of a problem with. That may sound like I'm "tooting my own horn", but I have experienced a lot as a child and as an adult which required that I be good at forgiving. If I hadn't forgiven, it would have eaten me alive. There were a few (mostly 2) people who worked SO HARD to get me to a good place in my life. I am so thankful to them and bless that I got to such a great place! It has been some years since then and I must say I'm having a terribly hard time right now.
For the most part, I feel like I have forgiven J. I will be honest and admit that I have a few "hot buttons" that when pushed still send me to a pretty bad spot, but they are getting better and I'm trying so hard to let go and have faith that things will be OK. In general I do not have hard feelings towards him. There are things he does that I do not like, but that is just PEOPLE. People are flawed and that is not a "forgiveness" issue. That is a difference in people. I want that best for him. Always have, always will.
All summer, whether listening to sermons on TV or in church, I have REPEATEDLY been preached TO (ha ha) about forgiveness. I keep asking, GOD WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!?! I am TRYING and am WILLING... why all of these messages?
Here is WHY: For several months now I have been extremely hurt by an individual. I have tried to just let it go, but the hurt and the situation keep slapping me in the face.
This person I just don't know what to do! Forgive? Ok. I can do that. I am completely understanding that people can get to a point where they do something that is not ok and is hurtful. What do I do when the thought of that person sends me into a manic state? I feel my blood pressure rise and I get really angry. Occasional communication ALWAYS leads to knots in my stomach, confusion, frustration, painful emotions... Doesn't sound like it's from our Heavenly Father does it? Sounds like a spiritual attack, right?
I have been praying for help forgiving them and for healing! DAILY! The problem I have is, even when they are forgiven, the root problem is still there - their heart and their actions reflect a lack of concern for me - eventho their words don't match up with that. Their actions still show that they Refuse to acknowledge the existence of things they have been warned against. I don't understand not wanting to know-and-live-in the TRUTH. It shows that they really just don't care that much. Life is easier to just ignore and do what they want to do. I can't live in that.
I can't keep allowing myself to be hurt. While forgiveness is perfect, trust is lost and fear of being hurt again is RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. The only option that I seem to have is to remove them from my life or me from theirs. I don't like that option. The fact that I don't like that option shows some forgiveness - If I hadn't forgiven, I wouldn't care for them to be in my life.
The thing is, I do care BUT it seems that I might have to relinquish that and move on? The only way I can remain is for them to change and since I have no control over that... then what?
The facts:
*Your sin doesn't just affect YOU. It effects those around you (spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, everyone). Sometimes a lot more that you ever imagined possible. While sin can be forgiven, it leaves traces that take a long time to FORGET.
*God brings past truth back into view - truths we have forgotten. Just because we forgot the past truth, does not mean it won't come back to bite us!!
*Bitterness ALWAYS leads to bondage. It's the result of unforgiveness due to an unfulfilled expectation. Again.. YUCK!
*Timing - God's timing is very important. the bad had to happen exactly how/when it did for me to be where I am now. But what do I do with that?!? Judas was doing his job.. it was done that way for God's purpose and eventho Jesus forgave him.. I'm sure Judas' betrayal HURT! Jesus, being God, would know how to deal LOL. I'm just human, trying to survive and do the right thing.
*God will honor boldness.. the question is WHICH BOLDNESS? The boldness to Stand In the gap and hope to be a good example and allow hurt to carry on? Or is it the boldness to Stand Up to the continued abuse of a friendship and remove myself from the situation permanently?
I'll Define Continued Abuse in this situation: disregard for how their actions affect others? Manipulation of friends to get what they want? Wearing TWO masks/2 lives? Continued refusal to heed warning?
I'm just not at peace. I keep getting really really angry and am praying I can let it go. Maybe the only way I can is to separate myself fully from the person? I am just SO against it. So against leaving those who you have made a pledge to protect and be friends with. We aren't talking about personality conflicts. I don't give up on people. I hate it. No one is perfect. Ultimately, I see how separating would help ME.. BUT I don't see how it would help them. I don't think they would understand my actions and it would not lead to a positive outcome for them. Is it my place to worry about that, or do I just leave them in God's hands???
AND WHAT STINKS IS.. This is the least of my problems...
Be praying Please...
Mama needs it, Grace and Ava need it!
Grace, Mercy, Perseverance, Wisdom, Patience, Unending energy :) PEACE.. Anything else you can think of would be wonderful!
K
Thursday, July 19, 2012
"I'm never wrong. Thought I was once, but I was just mistaken."
Ok. So I'll be honest. I'm trying hard to have a positive post, but at this very moment it's seeming near impossible. Hopefully just saying that will make me feel better :)
A few changes have happened over the last few weeks. First and most importantly is that the girls now know that I am living here and J is living there. I am happy to say that out of all of the possible ways they girls could have responded, they are currently dealing pretty well.
And now comes the reason for my title. I like to be right. Say the right thing. Or really it's that I do not want to say the wrong thing. (but I certainly like to be right lol) In most situations tho, I don't ask myself "what's the RIGHT thing to say now"... I typically say "No, don't say that.. don't say the wrong thing.. something that will make it WORSE"... so on to how this applies :D
Ava is my care-free child. Not very many things really ruffle her feathers, and for that I am VERY grateful. She seems ok right now, but I know that could change if at any moment something clicks in her and God's wonderful blessing of innocence wavers. Typically when things make an impression on Ava, they are BIG and Lasting impressions. My prayer is that she can remain as she is for as long as possible. She is my precious sweet girl.
Grace is my "need to understand" child. I find it hard sometimes to figure out what is something she needs to know and what will/could be to her detriment. She learned "the news" as I will call it, last Thursday a week from tomorrow. Then on Friday, when I didn't go back with her, Ava and J to the house, seemed to be where I saw her first sign of questioning what all is going on. She was never told "Your daddy and I don't love eachother any more and are getting divorced"... She was told "Daddy is going to live at our house out there and I am going to live here. You and Ava will be with daddy on the weekends. Just like we have already been doing all summer." She has been talking a lot about it. She's a lot like me. She needs to be heard. She needs to talk and know that someone understands who she is and how she feels. We were heading back home from the grocery store, just the two of us, and she mentiond that she was really sad about daddy living there without us. She suggested that this school year we live here and next school year we live there....
This is where I struggle. I believe she needs a sence of security and closure. But how do you offer closure without a child feeling unloved or that their feelings and wishes don't matter? How do you offer security and a child not feel abandoned? I want her to know how we love her and how it IS going to be ok. At the same time, I don't want to give her a false sence of security that J and I will be living in the same house ever again and be "together" again. I could have just left it alone, but that just delays the inevitable. Which leads to my next question, How long is too long to delay the inevitable - especially with a child like Grace? So I responded... "Grace, that is one idea but I need you to know that if you do that, I will be staying here." She looked shocked and confused. She really wants to understand the situation. "It's like you and daddy have broke up." she said. "Grace, your daddy and I love you sooo much. I am sorry this is how things are. But there are reasons why Daddy and I will not ever live together again. There are things that the Bible tells us. You will learn about them one day, but for now, you cannot know everything. Knowing everything is not good for kids." She cried for a few minutes and then I started making her laugh again. I think she is good. Unless she happens to be thinking about it. She so craves full disclosure. Wonder where she gets that from??? I can say that she has told several people, within minutes of being around them (people she knows but is not very familiar with) about things. As soon as they engage her and ask "so how are you grace, what's going on?", she tells them that she's sad because we live here and daddy lives there. All I know is she needs to be able to talk about it. And the fact that she mentions it throughout the day shows the extent it is on her mind.
My girls are so precius to me. If I can help it, I really do not want to "mess them up". I want to help and be strong for them. I need to know that I'm saying "The Right Things" that "I'm not wrong" in saying or doing what I'm doing. Not wrong when it comes to how things effect G&A. Seems right now, that' sbout the best thing I'm doing. Pretty much just treadding water in all other areas. I'm in need of some SERIOUS spiritual refreshing.
So I'll make a few other comments now about less important matters:
1. I'm reading "Pride and Prejudice" I'm 1/3 of the way through. Thank goodness it has such short chapers for the most part. I'm not much of a "completer of books" but I'm GOING to finish this before school starts!
2. Ava was feeling a bit puney today so to distract her from that, we began work on the much anticipated Fairy Garden. It's precious and she was excited to get to work on it. I'm now told that I have to MAKE fairies. I didn't sign up for that :) But I suppose we will HAVE to do that. Seems Ava's Tinkerbell figures are too big for the garden.
3. Purchased the girls' bunk bed and with MUCH appreciated help from Mom and Rodney, it was built and is SAFE lol for the girls to sleep in. They are super excited about that.
4. Praying God provides in several ways that must be addressed before school. Why do some things have to be so darn expensive?!?
5. Had the opportunity to spend some time with my cousins on my dad's side of the family last week and really enjoied it. It's been so long since we have had the chance to talk. Received a few photos of my dad and brother, which I always LOVE. Also got to spend a whole day with my brother and SIL Angela! I Honestly cannot remember the last time we did anything like that. it was SO nice and SO needed.
OK so there is my attempt at a not-so-negative post. I hope you are having a WONDERFUL summer and finding JOY wherever you can!
K
A few changes have happened over the last few weeks. First and most importantly is that the girls now know that I am living here and J is living there. I am happy to say that out of all of the possible ways they girls could have responded, they are currently dealing pretty well.
And now comes the reason for my title. I like to be right. Say the right thing. Or really it's that I do not want to say the wrong thing. (but I certainly like to be right lol) In most situations tho, I don't ask myself "what's the RIGHT thing to say now"... I typically say "No, don't say that.. don't say the wrong thing.. something that will make it WORSE"... so on to how this applies :D
Ava is my care-free child. Not very many things really ruffle her feathers, and for that I am VERY grateful. She seems ok right now, but I know that could change if at any moment something clicks in her and God's wonderful blessing of innocence wavers. Typically when things make an impression on Ava, they are BIG and Lasting impressions. My prayer is that she can remain as she is for as long as possible. She is my precious sweet girl.
Grace is my "need to understand" child. I find it hard sometimes to figure out what is something she needs to know and what will/could be to her detriment. She learned "the news" as I will call it, last Thursday a week from tomorrow. Then on Friday, when I didn't go back with her, Ava and J to the house, seemed to be where I saw her first sign of questioning what all is going on. She was never told "Your daddy and I don't love eachother any more and are getting divorced"... She was told "Daddy is going to live at our house out there and I am going to live here. You and Ava will be with daddy on the weekends. Just like we have already been doing all summer." She has been talking a lot about it. She's a lot like me. She needs to be heard. She needs to talk and know that someone understands who she is and how she feels. We were heading back home from the grocery store, just the two of us, and she mentiond that she was really sad about daddy living there without us. She suggested that this school year we live here and next school year we live there....
This is where I struggle. I believe she needs a sence of security and closure. But how do you offer closure without a child feeling unloved or that their feelings and wishes don't matter? How do you offer security and a child not feel abandoned? I want her to know how we love her and how it IS going to be ok. At the same time, I don't want to give her a false sence of security that J and I will be living in the same house ever again and be "together" again. I could have just left it alone, but that just delays the inevitable. Which leads to my next question, How long is too long to delay the inevitable - especially with a child like Grace? So I responded... "Grace, that is one idea but I need you to know that if you do that, I will be staying here." She looked shocked and confused. She really wants to understand the situation. "It's like you and daddy have broke up." she said. "Grace, your daddy and I love you sooo much. I am sorry this is how things are. But there are reasons why Daddy and I will not ever live together again. There are things that the Bible tells us. You will learn about them one day, but for now, you cannot know everything. Knowing everything is not good for kids." She cried for a few minutes and then I started making her laugh again. I think she is good. Unless she happens to be thinking about it. She so craves full disclosure. Wonder where she gets that from??? I can say that she has told several people, within minutes of being around them (people she knows but is not very familiar with) about things. As soon as they engage her and ask "so how are you grace, what's going on?", she tells them that she's sad because we live here and daddy lives there. All I know is she needs to be able to talk about it. And the fact that she mentions it throughout the day shows the extent it is on her mind.
My girls are so precius to me. If I can help it, I really do not want to "mess them up". I want to help and be strong for them. I need to know that I'm saying "The Right Things" that "I'm not wrong" in saying or doing what I'm doing. Not wrong when it comes to how things effect G&A. Seems right now, that' sbout the best thing I'm doing. Pretty much just treadding water in all other areas. I'm in need of some SERIOUS spiritual refreshing.
So I'll make a few other comments now about less important matters:
1. I'm reading "Pride and Prejudice" I'm 1/3 of the way through. Thank goodness it has such short chapers for the most part. I'm not much of a "completer of books" but I'm GOING to finish this before school starts!
2. Ava was feeling a bit puney today so to distract her from that, we began work on the much anticipated Fairy Garden. It's precious and she was excited to get to work on it. I'm now told that I have to MAKE fairies. I didn't sign up for that :) But I suppose we will HAVE to do that. Seems Ava's Tinkerbell figures are too big for the garden.
3. Purchased the girls' bunk bed and with MUCH appreciated help from Mom and Rodney, it was built and is SAFE lol for the girls to sleep in. They are super excited about that.
4. Praying God provides in several ways that must be addressed before school. Why do some things have to be so darn expensive?!?
5. Had the opportunity to spend some time with my cousins on my dad's side of the family last week and really enjoied it. It's been so long since we have had the chance to talk. Received a few photos of my dad and brother, which I always LOVE. Also got to spend a whole day with my brother and SIL Angela! I Honestly cannot remember the last time we did anything like that. it was SO nice and SO needed.
OK so there is my attempt at a not-so-negative post. I hope you are having a WONDERFUL summer and finding JOY wherever you can!
K
Friday, July 6, 2012
"There's a Storm Blowing up!.. A WHOPPER!" - The Wizard of Oz
Yep. A potential storm is headed this way and it's due towards the end of next week! Monday is Grace's test for enrollment at school next year. Wednesday is the same for Ava. I'm stressing for them. 2nd Grade and Kindergarten - should be smooth sailing, but we will see!
I have really been prayerful about the timing of when to tell the girls about what is REALLY going on. They still do not know. I have especially not wanted to break the news close to their school tests. I really don't want our life situation to be on their mind - distracting them while they are testing. So the waiting continues.
My plan is to tell them on Thursday next week. It's going to be a bad day all together. Grace has her first vaccine scheduled. She hasn't had a shot since she was 18 months so I know that will stress her out too.
I obviously have no idea how they will react. I'm praying for the right words and timing and for God to just protect them from all of the trauma - or as much as possible!
It has already been an interesting week for me too. It began with my LAST Sunday at the church we have been attending. The church where I found some friends. Where Grace was baptised. As terrible as it sounds, I really didn't want to go. I hoped Joseph would decide at the last minute, to stay home. I certainly was not about to send them to church and me stay home. We all went. I cried through the entire service.
I am SO tired of having to put on a happy face and pretend things are not how they obviously are. Church is the ONE place I should be able to just be ME. It's one thing if it's just me and the girls - i'll put on a happy face. I'm doing it for them. It's quite another when I am sitting with J in church and people around us know our situation. When asked "how are things going?" while I'm in front of J, I will obviously not be as frank as if I were alone. It makes me feel like a caged animal. I know they expect an honest answer from me. I know J is listening and I wouldn't want to say something to upset him. So When asked "So how are things going?... " my answer is "Uh Ya know." Not to mention being asked the same question when I'm in front of the girls.. or the girls AND J. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought or the interest - it's just exhausting and painful.
Things are not changing towards reconsiliation. I appreciate the hope. I have live in that very same hope for a few years now. Unfortunately, this is the real deal. Please just PRAY or instead of asking for an "update" ask if there is anything you can do to help. Or just pass on your sympathy for the really SUCKY situation. All of those are better then asking for an "UPDATE". Bringing the bad things to the surface over and over again.. or acknowledging that there has been no change that would restore our family is NOT something I want to repeat everytime I run into someone I know.
I know.,. 2 negative posts in a row. this will have to be the last one for a while!
<><K
I have really been prayerful about the timing of when to tell the girls about what is REALLY going on. They still do not know. I have especially not wanted to break the news close to their school tests. I really don't want our life situation to be on their mind - distracting them while they are testing. So the waiting continues.
My plan is to tell them on Thursday next week. It's going to be a bad day all together. Grace has her first vaccine scheduled. She hasn't had a shot since she was 18 months so I know that will stress her out too.
I obviously have no idea how they will react. I'm praying for the right words and timing and for God to just protect them from all of the trauma - or as much as possible!
It has already been an interesting week for me too. It began with my LAST Sunday at the church we have been attending. The church where I found some friends. Where Grace was baptised. As terrible as it sounds, I really didn't want to go. I hoped Joseph would decide at the last minute, to stay home. I certainly was not about to send them to church and me stay home. We all went. I cried through the entire service.
I am SO tired of having to put on a happy face and pretend things are not how they obviously are. Church is the ONE place I should be able to just be ME. It's one thing if it's just me and the girls - i'll put on a happy face. I'm doing it for them. It's quite another when I am sitting with J in church and people around us know our situation. When asked "how are things going?" while I'm in front of J, I will obviously not be as frank as if I were alone. It makes me feel like a caged animal. I know they expect an honest answer from me. I know J is listening and I wouldn't want to say something to upset him. So When asked "So how are things going?... " my answer is "Uh Ya know." Not to mention being asked the same question when I'm in front of the girls.. or the girls AND J. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought or the interest - it's just exhausting and painful.
Things are not changing towards reconsiliation. I appreciate the hope. I have live in that very same hope for a few years now. Unfortunately, this is the real deal. Please just PRAY or instead of asking for an "update" ask if there is anything you can do to help. Or just pass on your sympathy for the really SUCKY situation. All of those are better then asking for an "UPDATE". Bringing the bad things to the surface over and over again.. or acknowledging that there has been no change that would restore our family is NOT something I want to repeat everytime I run into someone I know.
I know.,. 2 negative posts in a row. this will have to be the last one for a while!
<><K
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I now pronounce you...
note: I'm NOT spell checking this post. My comp is acting up..
I feel as if this blog needs a new title. "A Wife of Noble Charachter" just feels wrong. Ideas on a new name? Should I stick with the current one? My initial purpose of the page was to get some things off my chest and keep people aprised of my life situations. I suppose I am still using it for that purpose and Noble Character is definitely something I wish to hold on to - assuming anyone thought I possessed it to begin with... I'll mull this one over for a while.
Can you tell that I'm a "processor"? I process life. Talk it over. A lot less than I use to. The last year my need to process with others (talk things through) has lessened. The few years previous to this last one where the worst. The blog has certainly been helpful to me at times when I didn't feel like inconveniencing others with my drama or when I felt like it woudln't make sense to anyone and pointless to discuss. I am struggling with this post because I don't want to sound insaine. :) I feel the need to get a few things out there for the benefit of working through it, but I'm worried it might be taken the wrong way... take all of the following with a grain of salt and remember who the real me is lol.
Let me start with saying that this is the first official week of our separation. I find myself not knowing how to be. I don't want to be unfriendly with J, but also don't want to be overly friendly. I don't want to assume he cares to hear from me but at the same time I have no desire to stay here and all of the sudden only offer "one word answers" to him. It's a strange walk.
I have been blessed with a few very friendly weeks with J, just before my first week here. I even was down due to back pain during my entire last week at home and he was so good to me. I'm a whiner and all last week he never showed his frustration with me. I know I had to have been driving him up the wall, I was truly in severe pain, but he never made me feel bad about it. I don't like to ask for his help and especially didn't want to ask for any help with packing our stuff to come to mom's - but I had no other choice. He was so kind.
Kindness is a wonderful show of favor from the Lord. I want to ask myself "WHY did it take all of this for him to finally start showing me true kindness??" but it doesn't really matter. Kindness isn't love. It isn't what a marriage should be Built on. Kindness makes love less difficult - Makes marriage much easier to navigate, but it does not Make a marriage. Friendliness too - we have gotten along so much better over the last few weeks. I feel like he has actually wanted to spend some time with me and that he has enjoied the time that he was able to spend. For SO LONG before this I was so very insecure and SO hurt by things he had said to me that I couldn't just enjoy being with him. I felt at any moment he was going to verbally remind me of how discontent/unsatisfied/displeased he was with me. What kind of person can just ignore that and have fun?!? Not me. Friendliness doesn't make a marriage.
When the overall decision was made to separate, things seemed to become less tense between the two of us. He knew I was going to let him go. Whether he found a place and moved out or I did, I was going to allow him to "not be with me". I was conceding to what he had been saying for a couple of years. Even in knowing I had "let him go" I continued to do all of the things I always had done for him. I love him. I have always wanted to take care of him. NOT be his mother, but be a wife who made his life easier in the ways that I could. We both have been doing what we believed was the RIGHT thing to do for ther other one, but not due to the love of a spouse, it has been more out of kindness I think? I wish we could have had this all along. It might have helped keep us from getting to where we got. But ultimately kindness/friendliness is not a marriage. I, my likes and dislikes, my attitude towards life, my passion for particular topics or people, my appearance, the things I enjoy.. are all things that he is not content with. He wants someone who treats him better, has more fun, is more outgoing, is more attractive.. I don't know.
Why am I getting so bogged down in all of this? I always want to know what I could have done different. How I could have FIXED it. Idon't believe I could have.
I know this post is negative. I'm sorry. I have actually been pretty positive about all of this. I am SO SO SO SO thankful for the kindness J has been showing towards me. I am SO grateful for my mom and Rodney's (step dad) willingness to help me transition into this new life. I am beyond overwhelmed by the FAVOR my Lord is showing me - even in my mistakes -even when I'm rambling on in some blog because my brain feels like it's going in 20 different directions.
I just want and pray for the situation to turn out the very best possible for my kids and J. I want the best for him. I want the best for them. I need direction on how to manuvure myself through this to accomplish that goal.
Feeling torn. My spirit is at peace with my decision, but my heart is restless with everything there is to do, every choice there is to make and every conversation there is to have.
I am at a loss of what else to say. Prayers are much appreciated, as usual. Most pressing is how to communicate as we make this transition. What is enough? What is too much/not enough? I can tell I have a bit of a struggle ahead of me. prayers prayers prayers. if you are reading, i know you have some amount of care for how my life/j's life/the girls' life is going... thanks for caring - seriously. i greatly appreciate your concern and thinking of us.
<><K
I feel as if this blog needs a new title. "A Wife of Noble Charachter" just feels wrong. Ideas on a new name? Should I stick with the current one? My initial purpose of the page was to get some things off my chest and keep people aprised of my life situations. I suppose I am still using it for that purpose and Noble Character is definitely something I wish to hold on to - assuming anyone thought I possessed it to begin with... I'll mull this one over for a while.
Can you tell that I'm a "processor"? I process life. Talk it over. A lot less than I use to. The last year my need to process with others (talk things through) has lessened. The few years previous to this last one where the worst. The blog has certainly been helpful to me at times when I didn't feel like inconveniencing others with my drama or when I felt like it woudln't make sense to anyone and pointless to discuss. I am struggling with this post because I don't want to sound insaine. :) I feel the need to get a few things out there for the benefit of working through it, but I'm worried it might be taken the wrong way... take all of the following with a grain of salt and remember who the real me is lol.
Let me start with saying that this is the first official week of our separation. I find myself not knowing how to be. I don't want to be unfriendly with J, but also don't want to be overly friendly. I don't want to assume he cares to hear from me but at the same time I have no desire to stay here and all of the sudden only offer "one word answers" to him. It's a strange walk.
I have been blessed with a few very friendly weeks with J, just before my first week here. I even was down due to back pain during my entire last week at home and he was so good to me. I'm a whiner and all last week he never showed his frustration with me. I know I had to have been driving him up the wall, I was truly in severe pain, but he never made me feel bad about it. I don't like to ask for his help and especially didn't want to ask for any help with packing our stuff to come to mom's - but I had no other choice. He was so kind.
Kindness is a wonderful show of favor from the Lord. I want to ask myself "WHY did it take all of this for him to finally start showing me true kindness??" but it doesn't really matter. Kindness isn't love. It isn't what a marriage should be Built on. Kindness makes love less difficult - Makes marriage much easier to navigate, but it does not Make a marriage. Friendliness too - we have gotten along so much better over the last few weeks. I feel like he has actually wanted to spend some time with me and that he has enjoied the time that he was able to spend. For SO LONG before this I was so very insecure and SO hurt by things he had said to me that I couldn't just enjoy being with him. I felt at any moment he was going to verbally remind me of how discontent/unsatisfied/displeased he was with me. What kind of person can just ignore that and have fun?!? Not me. Friendliness doesn't make a marriage.
When the overall decision was made to separate, things seemed to become less tense between the two of us. He knew I was going to let him go. Whether he found a place and moved out or I did, I was going to allow him to "not be with me". I was conceding to what he had been saying for a couple of years. Even in knowing I had "let him go" I continued to do all of the things I always had done for him. I love him. I have always wanted to take care of him. NOT be his mother, but be a wife who made his life easier in the ways that I could. We both have been doing what we believed was the RIGHT thing to do for ther other one, but not due to the love of a spouse, it has been more out of kindness I think? I wish we could have had this all along. It might have helped keep us from getting to where we got. But ultimately kindness/friendliness is not a marriage. I, my likes and dislikes, my attitude towards life, my passion for particular topics or people, my appearance, the things I enjoy.. are all things that he is not content with. He wants someone who treats him better, has more fun, is more outgoing, is more attractive.. I don't know.
Why am I getting so bogged down in all of this? I always want to know what I could have done different. How I could have FIXED it. Idon't believe I could have.
I know this post is negative. I'm sorry. I have actually been pretty positive about all of this. I am SO SO SO SO thankful for the kindness J has been showing towards me. I am SO grateful for my mom and Rodney's (step dad) willingness to help me transition into this new life. I am beyond overwhelmed by the FAVOR my Lord is showing me - even in my mistakes -even when I'm rambling on in some blog because my brain feels like it's going in 20 different directions.
I just want and pray for the situation to turn out the very best possible for my kids and J. I want the best for him. I want the best for them. I need direction on how to manuvure myself through this to accomplish that goal.
Feeling torn. My spirit is at peace with my decision, but my heart is restless with everything there is to do, every choice there is to make and every conversation there is to have.
I am at a loss of what else to say. Prayers are much appreciated, as usual. Most pressing is how to communicate as we make this transition. What is enough? What is too much/not enough? I can tell I have a bit of a struggle ahead of me. prayers prayers prayers. if you are reading, i know you have some amount of care for how my life/j's life/the girls' life is going... thanks for caring - seriously. i greatly appreciate your concern and thinking of us.
<><K
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Holding on through the storm...
Ok. So I'm glad to share a little GOOD in the midst of all of our chaos. Again, I'm intentionally keeping this from Facebook because I prefer less people know my business. Whoever reads here, must have some serious interest and not just in gossip :)
As I mentioned in my last post, this summer Joseph and I will transition to a permanent separation. Because of this I have had to line out a few things - with the Lord's favor and leading of course! You may have read on facebook that I purchased a new/very used car. It's a '97, but I'm in love with it :D. My mom and I have decided that for the short term at least, the girls and I will be living in one of her houses. Mom and I will get to help each other a good bit this summer. Part of my willingness to move back to the metroplex involved whether or not the girls would be able to attend Trinity (where I went to school). I am happy to say that not only will they get to go to Trinity (TCA) next year, but that I will also be working there! I will be helping in a few roles around the school - like in the secondary lunch room. But my main function will be at the Eagle's Next (After school program) Coordinator. I will be in charge of the after school program at Trinity! YAY. And Grace and Ava will be able to be in there with me.
What all this means:
- Though I will be traveling almost 60 miles a day, I will only have to do the round trip ONCE.
- I will not have to find childcare because I will be at the school with them.
- I will get to have the 12 month pay out option. This will divide my salary over 12 months instead of 9. (straight talk: get paid for Christmas and summer!)
- I will have every day off that the girls have off!
- My only real worries will be if one of them is sick or if my car breaks down.. so lets pray for healthy children and for my car to stay in good working order :)
I know there is still a lot of "bad" going on, but I am so thankful for the favor God continues to show me and how He truly DAILY takes care of me. I'm glad to have something to look forward to next year - I'm feeling a little bit like things will be OK. Keep praying! Loving the blessings!
<>< Kara
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things.."
It has been a while since my last post - Many changes have happened and many more are to come.
Time for Kara's Crazy Rambling:
Time for Kara's Crazy Rambling:
Since high school I have had particular difficulty in keeping my mouth shut. It's so hard for me to keep things hidden. When I do, I feel like I'm not being genuine. I like being transparent. I like being able to say exactly what I mean and exactly what I think - it's even better when I can say it with some tact and delicacy. What I say is "the truth" as I see it. I realize "the truth" is relative and that it changes. For instance - I might once have said that my favorite color is pink. That was a truth - It was The truth. Now I might say that my favorite color is green. The truth changed - but it was always the truth to me. The truth may change when more information is given or more of life has been experienced. I'm me. Like it or not. Love it or not. Believe it or not. I stand for what I believe in. If my stance for what I believe in causes you to not like me or think less of me - that saddens me, but most likely will not cause me to stop standing. PROVE me wrong in something that I stand for and I will gladly take a seat.
Random. I know. I may be random, but I'm always honest - to the extent that I see things and that the Lord allows me to see things.
Not sure why I felt the need to say all of that, except to get it off my chest. Saying what I think is quite cathartic for me. So all that to say.. I want to be open about my life - I Need Prayer. I want to make a difference. I want to be an inspiration and to leave some kind of legacy to people who have known me. I may be known as the person who stuck her foot in her mouth, but at least I did it with conviction Ha Ha.. I don't always live my life as gracefully as I would like. I often feel like a bumbling idiot, but hopefully it will all be for some GOOD.
So Now I've prefaced the fact that I'm about to be honest and blunt and probably lacking in tact, but I need to get this out there...
Random. I know. I may be random, but I'm always honest - to the extent that I see things and that the Lord allows me to see things.
Not sure why I felt the need to say all of that, except to get it off my chest. Saying what I think is quite cathartic for me. So all that to say.. I want to be open about my life - I Need Prayer. I want to make a difference. I want to be an inspiration and to leave some kind of legacy to people who have known me. I may be known as the person who stuck her foot in her mouth, but at least I did it with conviction Ha Ha.. I don't always live my life as gracefully as I would like. I often feel like a bumbling idiot, but hopefully it will all be for some GOOD.
So Now I've prefaced the fact that I'm about to be honest and blunt and probably lacking in tact, but I need to get this out there...
To those who love me and my family - I would like to share with you a little bit of my life right now. Update you. I'm trying also to observe the privacy of others, whom I love.
1. Many many things have occurred in the last 2 years which have now led to Joseph and I to separating once again. This is an effort in which we are cooperating - to keep things as peaceful and friendly as possible. This was decided several months ago and since we are getting closer to more obvious changes, I have decided to share a little bit of it here.
2. I am at peace with this, though it is in NO way what I want. God has spoken very very clearly to me and I will do nothing but obey Him in this matter.
3. Our girls have been very protected from our past. Neither of them have any recollection of our previous separations. I praise the Lord for that. I know people say that "they pick up on more than you think".. I am very convinced that our upcoming separation will be a complete shock to them. Please pray for them over the next several months as their lives change.
4. The girls and I will be moving back to Ft. Worth sometime this summer. Until an official move is made, we will also be "vacationing" there and staying with my mom.
5. Please message me or call me if you feel led to. Please do Not discuss this in front of my children. And Please do Not post on my facebook wall about this. That is a public domain. Far less people read this, than read facebook. Email, call, or text me if you want to :) kthompsonchavis@yahoo.com 903-474-7378
The ONLY thing that could change this is the Lord. I do not limit Him in His ability to change myself or Joseph. None the less, it is my belief that this is a permanent separation.
Love you all and thank you for all of your prayers
Kara
Love you all and thank you for all of your prayers
Kara
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:22-34
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Fear and Expectations...
Life is not suppose to stay the same. We are every growing into the persons we are. Always learning new things about life, ourselves and hopefully God. I believe I blogged a while back about Fearing The Lord. I was questioning whether or not I had an appropriate fear of Him. In my day to day life, there are SO MANY things I need to do different, for myself and for those around me. Those are the ones that I find hard to keep on my mind, therefore even harder to change. However, the BIG picture is the one I see very clearly and am determined to "get it right". This month I decided to start daily reading Proverbs. It's been a little over a week and I missed a few days but I caught up!! YAY! I'm also keeping a prayer journal along with journaling the things that particularly stick out to me in my time in the Word.
Life has, as usual, been changing and I have been talking with my mom about it a lot. She's such a Godly woman. I wish I had half the determination she has to overcome. She's strong and wise and not a lazy person. She is confident that the Lord will take care of her and I am often in awe of how she keeps it all together. I strive to be like her - She is a Proverbs 31 WOMAN, and that makes her a Proverbs 31 WIFE.
In our conversation one day I was emotionally throwing up all of my stress onto her and stating how I felt led to make a particular offering at church and I have heard all of these sermons on the law of reciprocity and while I would LOVE for the Lord to bless the offering, I do NOT agree that if you give Him money, He will make you "rich". I want His blessing and Him to meet my need as a response to my obedience. But I was agonizing that "I just don't want my desire for blessings to be mistaken by Him as greed.".... Mom said, "Do you think God knows you are agonizing over this?" ... "yes."... "Do you think He knows your heart?"... "yes."... "do you know that He says to test Him in this area and he Promises to prove Himself?"... "no." She showed me the scripture and said "do you think if God makes a promise, He would Expect that WE would Expect Him to keep it?"... "yes"... We should have expectations of God! Not only did I realize that, but also realized if He knows me inside and out, He knows how much I agonize over making the right choices, not making the wrong ones, and pleasing Him. That IS an appropriate fear of Him. I know the reprimand I will receive if I make bad choices and I do not feel responsible to anyone except Him.
Simple, I know. But I've always expected Him to have expectations of me, while I hoped He would see me through life situations and believed that He would in His way - I didn't "Expect" it of him, because I didn't think I was deserving. It seemed proud and arrogant of me to do so. I know I love Him. I know I believe in Him and every single word of the Bible. I'm saved by grace through His son. I'm in relationship with Him. With any earthly relationship, we have expectations. Why on earth would I not EXPECT Him to do what His word says He will do??
I say all of that to say that I my eyes have been opened to so many promises that He made in the Bible. Proverbs is full of good promises to those who Love and Fear Him and promises of punishment to those who don't. I believe there are 18 places in Provers that speak about it....
Proverbs 2:1-6
1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding—
3 indeed, if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
Proverbs 9:10
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge ofthe Holy One is understanding.
Proverbs 14:26
Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge
Proverbs 16:6
Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of theLORD evil is avoided.
FEAR OF THE LORD: Those who honor God and order their lives in accordance with His will because of their reverence for Him.... A loving reverence for God that includes submission to His lordship and to the commands of His word.
Love finding new "nuggets" of wisdom, strength and peace. I'll keep sharing. Sorry if this post was a little random and scattered. :)
In Him
~K
Life has, as usual, been changing and I have been talking with my mom about it a lot. She's such a Godly woman. I wish I had half the determination she has to overcome. She's strong and wise and not a lazy person. She is confident that the Lord will take care of her and I am often in awe of how she keeps it all together. I strive to be like her - She is a Proverbs 31 WOMAN, and that makes her a Proverbs 31 WIFE.
In our conversation one day I was emotionally throwing up all of my stress onto her and stating how I felt led to make a particular offering at church and I have heard all of these sermons on the law of reciprocity and while I would LOVE for the Lord to bless the offering, I do NOT agree that if you give Him money, He will make you "rich". I want His blessing and Him to meet my need as a response to my obedience. But I was agonizing that "I just don't want my desire for blessings to be mistaken by Him as greed.".... Mom said, "Do you think God knows you are agonizing over this?" ... "yes."... "Do you think He knows your heart?"... "yes."... "do you know that He says to test Him in this area and he Promises to prove Himself?"... "no." She showed me the scripture and said "do you think if God makes a promise, He would Expect that WE would Expect Him to keep it?"... "yes"... We should have expectations of God! Not only did I realize that, but also realized if He knows me inside and out, He knows how much I agonize over making the right choices, not making the wrong ones, and pleasing Him. That IS an appropriate fear of Him. I know the reprimand I will receive if I make bad choices and I do not feel responsible to anyone except Him.
Simple, I know. But I've always expected Him to have expectations of me, while I hoped He would see me through life situations and believed that He would in His way - I didn't "Expect" it of him, because I didn't think I was deserving. It seemed proud and arrogant of me to do so. I know I love Him. I know I believe in Him and every single word of the Bible. I'm saved by grace through His son. I'm in relationship with Him. With any earthly relationship, we have expectations. Why on earth would I not EXPECT Him to do what His word says He will do??
I say all of that to say that I my eyes have been opened to so many promises that He made in the Bible. Proverbs is full of good promises to those who Love and Fear Him and promises of punishment to those who don't. I believe there are 18 places in Provers that speak about it....
Proverbs 2:1-6
1 My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding—
3 indeed, if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the LORD gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
Proverbs 9:10
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge ofthe Holy One is understanding.
Proverbs 14:26
Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge
Proverbs 16:6
Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of theLORD evil is avoided.
FEAR OF THE LORD: Those who honor God and order their lives in accordance with His will because of their reverence for Him.... A loving reverence for God that includes submission to His lordship and to the commands of His word.
Love finding new "nuggets" of wisdom, strength and peace. I'll keep sharing. Sorry if this post was a little random and scattered. :)
In Him
~K
Friday, January 6, 2012
2011 in Review and 2012 Another New Year - Anohter New Start....
So 2011 was a really strange year. Had a really explosive beginning (and I don't mean fireworks) full of fighting, arguments, annoying insecurity and some SERIOUS discontent. In April, Ava turned the BIG 4! We also had the chance to take a family vacation to see Joseph's side of the family in North Carolina - we did not come out unscathed, no matter how hard we tried. We did make some memories though! Went to Myrtle Beach and stayed in a hotel ON the beach! I wish I could have enjoyed it more. I was a bit of a fuddy-duddy. I was glad to have my best friend and 2 of her kids travel with us, made for some exciting times! I love her SO much! Grace, Ava and I also got to stay a night at "Ricky and Juju's" - my uncle and aunt in Georgia. I sure miss them!
Upon our return from our NC trip, Joseph and Alex's DNA Test results were waiting for us. No matter how prepared I tried to make myself, I didn't handle the reality as well as I had hoped. So many hard things I have fairly gracefully hurdled, but this would not be one. I felt internally torn in half. On the one hand I knew what was right in my heart, but on the other I was so devastated that my life had taken yet another turn that I NEVER planned on.
June welcomed time home with my girls. I loved seeing them play in our little splash pool in the yard. Joseph and Tiffany took all of the kids to the lake several times and the girls and I got to stay a week at Mom's so they could go to Vacation Bible School at our old church. We really miss everyone there. I loved seeing my girls playing with old friends. Grace picked up right where she left off with some of them. We also were able to attend VBS with my Aunt and Cousins - it's so nice to get to see family. I wish I had more family to see!
My internal conflict and Joseph's and my battles continued. During the summer I had my first visit to see Alex and meet her mom. I thought it went as well as it could. The night before the visit I had the most AMAZING thing happen - God took away ALL of my anxiety. It felt like a weight was literally lifted and a bit of that "JOY" I use to have was restored. Just before school started we told Grace and Ava about their sister. They have happily accepted her and the situation and thankfully ask very few questions right now.
School has been great for the girls. Grace and Ava both love their teachers, though Grace seems to have formed a bond with hers. I love that at their school God is not left out. This Fall season led to more financial hardships as Joseph's plant hired more workers, leaving him with less hours. I began my Jewelry/Accessory business as a way to be able to work from home. Not because I can't get a "job" but because we are down to 1 car. Between taking Joseph to & from work and kids to and from school, there is little time to find a job in between - especially since Joseph's hours are so varied. A job from home seemed like a good idea. I pray it is blessed! If I could just make the car payment from my profits, we would be doing better.
October brought our first Soccer Season, a 29 year old Joseph and a 7 year old Grace! Thanksgiving was ummm... Interesting :) Rodney (Mom's hubby) fell and broke too many things to list! :| He wasn't able to be with us at Thanksgiving because he was still recovering. We survived Thanksgiving and I really began to push my business. Things have slowly but steadily grown, and hopefully will really begin to make a profit. So far, practically every penny has been reinvested. I do NOT want to be wasting my time doing this.
Grace's 7th Birthday AND 1st "real" party.
Fall also brought a renewed sense of empowerment as I decided to begin ZUMBA at home. I did pretty good for about 3 weeks and as usual - I quit! I felt GREAT when I was doing it tho and could actually SEE and FEEL some changes.
December brought Christmas and then New Year - neither of which were very eventful. You may have noticed the last several paragraphs I didn't mention a lot of hostility between Joseph and I... it seems a lot of it has dissipated! Things are no where as bad as they were a year ago - PRAISE GOD! But we do still have so much work to be done, to even be able to call ourselves "happy". I can say, I am content. I want things to get better, I love my husband and my family and would love to be HAPPY! That being said, I see the good and try to ignore the bad and hope for better. Many prayers have quietly been answered this year and a couple answers have slapped me in the face.. I'm thankful for them all.
My goal for 2012 is family happiness, and for Joseph and I to fall in love again. For me to begin Zumba, stick with it and become a success story. And lastly for my business to prosper. I want to be a better wife and a much better mother - give my kids more Mommy time and be less worried about messes. I also pray that Joseph will see some of the things that have improved this year and that he will have at least a glimmer of hope for 2012.
Love and Prayers to everyone who reads this. I hope your 2011 was a blessed year and that 2012 is 10 times better in every way.
~Kara~
Ava's 4th bday - April 2011
Myrtle Beach April 2011
Joseph, his mom and dad, brother and sister. NC 2011
Ava, Grace, JuJu and Ricky - April 2011
Grace and Ryleigh - Myrtle Beach 2011
Joseph, Ava and Grace - Myrtle Beach 2011
Jarret, Tiffany & Ryleigh - Myrtle Beach 2011
Our Send-off when we left NC 2011 - aunts, cousins and grandparents :)
Upon our return from our NC trip, Joseph and Alex's DNA Test results were waiting for us. No matter how prepared I tried to make myself, I didn't handle the reality as well as I had hoped. So many hard things I have fairly gracefully hurdled, but this would not be one. I felt internally torn in half. On the one hand I knew what was right in my heart, but on the other I was so devastated that my life had taken yet another turn that I NEVER planned on.
June welcomed time home with my girls. I loved seeing them play in our little splash pool in the yard. Joseph and Tiffany took all of the kids to the lake several times and the girls and I got to stay a week at Mom's so they could go to Vacation Bible School at our old church. We really miss everyone there. I loved seeing my girls playing with old friends. Grace picked up right where she left off with some of them. We also were able to attend VBS with my Aunt and Cousins - it's so nice to get to see family. I wish I had more family to see!
VBS at our Aunt's/Cousin's church - And their Noah's Ark.. Petting Zoo!!
Will and Grace and Ava at our old church's VBS!
Ava and DERICK.. her PreK Crush.. she has good taste.
Sprinkler time..
My internal conflict and Joseph's and my battles continued. During the summer I had my first visit to see Alex and meet her mom. I thought it went as well as it could. The night before the visit I had the most AMAZING thing happen - God took away ALL of my anxiety. It felt like a weight was literally lifted and a bit of that "JOY" I use to have was restored. Just before school started we told Grace and Ava about their sister. They have happily accepted her and the situation and thankfully ask very few questions right now.
School has been great for the girls. Grace and Ava both love their teachers, though Grace seems to have formed a bond with hers. I love that at their school God is not left out. This Fall season led to more financial hardships as Joseph's plant hired more workers, leaving him with less hours. I began my Jewelry/Accessory business as a way to be able to work from home. Not because I can't get a "job" but because we are down to 1 car. Between taking Joseph to & from work and kids to and from school, there is little time to find a job in between - especially since Joseph's hours are so varied. A job from home seemed like a good idea. I pray it is blessed! If I could just make the car payment from my profits, we would be doing better.
1st day of school....
October brought our first Soccer Season, a 29 year old Joseph and a 7 year old Grace! Thanksgiving was ummm... Interesting :) Rodney (Mom's hubby) fell and broke too many things to list! :| He wasn't able to be with us at Thanksgiving because he was still recovering. We survived Thanksgiving and I really began to push my business. Things have slowly but steadily grown, and hopefully will really begin to make a profit. So far, practically every penny has been reinvested. I do NOT want to be wasting my time doing this.
SOCCER
Grace & Ava Modeling..
Daddy's 29th Bday
Our VERY Comic Book Halloween.. Ava was Bat Girl and Grace was Catwoman!
Fall also brought a renewed sense of empowerment as I decided to begin ZUMBA at home. I did pretty good for about 3 weeks and as usual - I quit! I felt GREAT when I was doing it tho and could actually SEE and FEEL some changes.
December brought Christmas and then New Year - neither of which were very eventful. You may have noticed the last several paragraphs I didn't mention a lot of hostility between Joseph and I... it seems a lot of it has dissipated! Things are no where as bad as they were a year ago - PRAISE GOD! But we do still have so much work to be done, to even be able to call ourselves "happy". I can say, I am content. I want things to get better, I love my husband and my family and would love to be HAPPY! That being said, I see the good and try to ignore the bad and hope for better. Many prayers have quietly been answered this year and a couple answers have slapped me in the face.. I'm thankful for them all.
Christmas Eve
Angel, Grace, Ava and Alex.. Christmas Eve
Helping Mimi clean up on Christmas..
Reward for helping Mimi clean up. THIS is Grace's #1 LOVE LANGUAGE. She calls is "goosebumps" because it gives her goosebumps and she LOVES that feeling apparently.
My goal for 2012 is family happiness, and for Joseph and I to fall in love again. For me to begin Zumba, stick with it and become a success story. And lastly for my business to prosper. I want to be a better wife and a much better mother - give my kids more Mommy time and be less worried about messes. I also pray that Joseph will see some of the things that have improved this year and that he will have at least a glimmer of hope for 2012.
Love and Prayers to everyone who reads this. I hope your 2011 was a blessed year and that 2012 is 10 times better in every way.
~Kara~
Monday, November 7, 2011
Meet Alex...
We decided to take the girls to meet Alex about 6 or 7 weeks ago. We now all go visit her every other Sunday and play. My biggest fear leading up to this was how Grace and Ava would react to the fact that there was a new little sister and that they had different moms. I knew all I could do was pray about it and move forward. Praying God would give Joseph and I the RIGHT words when the time came to tell our daughters. That Joseph and I would be united in our presentation and not seem like we were on opposite teams.
I wanted it to be the best experience possible. There is no reason why the girls should have any negative feelings associated with this if we can help it. So we told them. Grace was a little perplexed. When she asked me how was it possible.. I just said "that's how God did it this time". She knows I have a half brother and we are close with him and his mom. They don't know the details there and have never questioned it - so it wasn't too big of a stretch for them when I stated that this was how God did it this time.
Ava LOVES being a big sister now and every couple of days I get asked when we are going to go see Alex. We pray for her and her older sister every night at bed time. I'm happy that for now, the girls are still so innocent. I love the mercy, grace and peace that only God can give.
So, here are a couple of pictures of our three girls at their first meeting.
I wanted it to be the best experience possible. There is no reason why the girls should have any negative feelings associated with this if we can help it. So we told them. Grace was a little perplexed. When she asked me how was it possible.. I just said "that's how God did it this time". She knows I have a half brother and we are close with him and his mom. They don't know the details there and have never questioned it - so it wasn't too big of a stretch for them when I stated that this was how God did it this time.
Ava LOVES being a big sister now and every couple of days I get asked when we are going to go see Alex. We pray for her and her older sister every night at bed time. I'm happy that for now, the girls are still so innocent. I love the mercy, grace and peace that only God can give.
So, here are a couple of pictures of our three girls at their first meeting.
Can you tell they played pretty hard before I got to take these??? :)
More updates soon.
I continue to pray for favor and provision, perseverance and love!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Small Update
We (Joseph and I) went to see Alex yesterday and I got to meet her grandmother. She was so sweet, didn't speak a word of english, but it didn't matter. Alex's mom translated for her, and I was given some compliments that about brought me to tears. The one thing she said to me in english was masked with a heavy accent. I thought she said I had "beautiful, big hair" ... and my reply was (with a huge smile).. "thank you! I have been told that a time or two. (and i touched my hair) .. I do have pretty thick hair for a white girl!" and i giggled.
The grandmother laughed and looked at Alex's mom and said in spanish "I think she thinks I'm talking about her hair.." ... and i hear the word "CORAZON", a word I well know... She was telling me how beautiful I was and that I had a big heart! Followed by how nice I was and how if mine and hers shoes were switched, she didn't think she could do what I was doing. All I could do was say "thank you". It's as if it was from God to me, confirmation for making the right choice. I'll take that compliment. Don't think I'll ever forget it. She was so precious. :) Alex warned up a little to Joseph which was a relief to both of us. Thank you Jesus for the blessings! I'm still coveting those prayers though so PLEASE keep them coming.
The grandmother laughed and looked at Alex's mom and said in spanish "I think she thinks I'm talking about her hair.." ... and i hear the word "CORAZON", a word I well know... She was telling me how beautiful I was and that I had a big heart! Followed by how nice I was and how if mine and hers shoes were switched, she didn't think she could do what I was doing. All I could do was say "thank you". It's as if it was from God to me, confirmation for making the right choice. I'll take that compliment. Don't think I'll ever forget it. She was so precious. :) Alex warned up a little to Joseph which was a relief to both of us. Thank you Jesus for the blessings! I'm still coveting those prayers though so PLEASE keep them coming.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Update....
I'm sure all of you who do keep up with my blog are wondering why it's been a couple of months since my last post. The honest truth is that each time I have wanted to journal about "life as I know it" it keeps changing.
For almost a year I have been living some twisted nightmare where I wanted to move forward, but was so very terrified of what that meant. Each time I would give an "inch" of myself and tip-toe out into the unknown, I felt a sharp sting of nonacceptance. It didn't seem to matter how much or how little I put myself out there - my words, thoughts, presence was not received well and I was told how I was in DENIAL! Which frankly, angered me. If there is one thing I have never been, it's in denial about this situation. Needless to say, I was feeling VERY reluctant of any change which moved me and my family towards the acceptance and daily presence of Joseph's daughter, Alex (Alexandra) in our lives. But the truth is, it's not her or accepting her - She just represents the change. It's how Joseph and I have not been able to communicate throughout the entire situation. Nothing I said made him happy and even my most honest, heartfelt words seemed to push him into further disdain for me. It broke my heart and angered me beyond measure. All I was trying to do was survive the situation and not make it worse. Allow him to do what he needed to do and give him the freedom to feel whatever it was that he felt about all of this. This attitude was not reciprocated. Joseph seemed to just put up with me. Never seemed to acknowledge the good that I was doing, but was very quick to jump on anything I said or did that made things harder for him. He really just didn't get it or maybe didn't care anymore, that I was BROKEN over all of this. And I was truly doing all I knew to do in the situation. On the night that we read the DNA results, I believe his words to my numbness were "Kara you have had three years to get over this!" As if the confirmation that the child is his would just snap me out of the despair that I was in.
It's comments like that, and Joseph's apparent lack of consideration for my feelings that made me daily question whether or not I could do this. Could I continue with this marriage? I am a person who is well aware that the grass is not greener on the other side. Yes, I could leave. I could find someone else or just be alone - but then let's consider the extent of things that would then be completely out of my control.. such as what type of person and father would Joseph become? What type of woman would he be with? What influences would my children be around when I was not there? There would then be three little girls (Grace, Ava and Alex) without their father - well at least not in the way that a father should ideally be. These are all New problems that I would be switching my difficult marriage for.
So on with the story... In May, I had come to the conclusion that I could at least be cordial enough to attend the next visit to see Alex. Alex's mom and her husband would both be there. This would be his first visit as well. Up until this point, my best friend (Tiffany) was amazing and had been chaperoning all of the visits. She also had begun a dialogue with Alex's mom, which was really helpful. She is truly the best friend ever that isn't a blood relative. She took time from her family to go to these visits with Joseph all the way to Fort Worth (an hour and a half away).
See, it's one thing for me to know that Alex exists and that she is his, but how does that effect our family? Joseph wants to move forward with visitations and telling Grace and Ava that they have a new sister. How do I respond to the mountain of questions that Grace will surely have? How do we make this the best experience possible for our family?
It so happened that I was in Fort Worth visiting my mom a couple of days before my first interaction with this part of my husband's life. I would be in the same area as my husband and the woman he had an affair with. I knew God would at least give me the strength and Grace to be calm, but beyond that - I didn't have too much expectation. I kept praying for "the BEST" ... very vague, but all I knew to pray for in this situation. So it was in the middle of the night as I spoke with my mom about the visit which was 2 days away. As we talked I had a wonderful experience....
I didn't know it could happen how it did, but I'm so thankful. I was given peace!!!! JUST FOR ME! 100% non-dependent on anything I could say or do and certainly not dependent on any "guarantee" that any human could give me about how the Visit would go. I realized that all of this torture, misery and questioning brought me to a place where I got to be ME again. God saw that even though I didn't know HOW the visit was going to turn out, even though I didn't know if Joseph and I would fight afterwards or how his ex would respond or how I would handle everything emotionally.. I still stepped out on faith and did what I knew I could do. Which was? To GO.
Ex's husband AND in her shoes as well. Joseph and I had been through "hell" but at least he was honest with me. His Ex, still hadn't even told her husband that Joseph was seeing Alex. He is SO in the dark. She hadn't even told her MOM that Alex was not her husband's child. I do have compassion for her. Feeling so alone and as if her life is a lie. I knew she would be FREAKING out since her husband was attending this first visit since she had recently talked him into letting Joseph see Alex (tho Joseph already had been). Based on conversations she had with Tiffany (my BFF and their chaperon) I knew she was freaking out about how I would react.
That night, talking with my mom, I felt very led to remove that fear from her - fear of ME. So, I did it. I called her. The day before the first ever visit that I would attend. I called her and told her it was ok. I wasn't going to freak on her, I forgave her and I promised to do whatever was within my power to make the visits go well. It IS what it IS. We can't change it now.. just move forward as best possible.
What a relief! I have been released from all of the FEAR. It really had a huge grip on me for months. I still don't know what is going to happen. My daughters ARE going to find out very soon and for now ... Mommy's answer will be "It's pretty exciting to have a new sister!" and "It's just how God did it this time". I do not believe the birth of a child is ever a mistake. My daughters have the right to admire their daddy regardless of what we have been through and to love a new sister the best they can. As they get older some questions will have to be addressed but for now, that will be enough.
So that's where we are now. It's a major work in progress and Joseph and I rarely see eye to eye, but I hope he sees why I am doing what I am doing and WHY I am who I am. I'm thankful that his ex's husband didn't come with any weapons. Seriously, people have been KILLED for less than this. I'm thankful that I'm not scared anymore. I just want to be happy and my husband and kids to be happy. I just want to honor God in my life to the best of my ability and do what I believe He is telling me to do - whether anyone else gets it or not. I'm told that I should have left already. I'm well aware I'm not doing the "popular" thing. I'm not doing what most could, but I pray it's blessed beyond measure for my future generations.
Sorry it's so long this time. I will try and update much more often!
:) In Him,
Kara
For almost a year I have been living some twisted nightmare where I wanted to move forward, but was so very terrified of what that meant. Each time I would give an "inch" of myself and tip-toe out into the unknown, I felt a sharp sting of nonacceptance. It didn't seem to matter how much or how little I put myself out there - my words, thoughts, presence was not received well and I was told how I was in DENIAL! Which frankly, angered me. If there is one thing I have never been, it's in denial about this situation. Needless to say, I was feeling VERY reluctant of any change which moved me and my family towards the acceptance and daily presence of Joseph's daughter, Alex (Alexandra) in our lives. But the truth is, it's not her or accepting her - She just represents the change. It's how Joseph and I have not been able to communicate throughout the entire situation. Nothing I said made him happy and even my most honest, heartfelt words seemed to push him into further disdain for me. It broke my heart and angered me beyond measure. All I was trying to do was survive the situation and not make it worse. Allow him to do what he needed to do and give him the freedom to feel whatever it was that he felt about all of this. This attitude was not reciprocated. Joseph seemed to just put up with me. Never seemed to acknowledge the good that I was doing, but was very quick to jump on anything I said or did that made things harder for him. He really just didn't get it or maybe didn't care anymore, that I was BROKEN over all of this. And I was truly doing all I knew to do in the situation. On the night that we read the DNA results, I believe his words to my numbness were "Kara you have had three years to get over this!" As if the confirmation that the child is his would just snap me out of the despair that I was in.
It's comments like that, and Joseph's apparent lack of consideration for my feelings that made me daily question whether or not I could do this. Could I continue with this marriage? I am a person who is well aware that the grass is not greener on the other side. Yes, I could leave. I could find someone else or just be alone - but then let's consider the extent of things that would then be completely out of my control.. such as what type of person and father would Joseph become? What type of woman would he be with? What influences would my children be around when I was not there? There would then be three little girls (Grace, Ava and Alex) without their father - well at least not in the way that a father should ideally be. These are all New problems that I would be switching my difficult marriage for.
So on with the story... In May, I had come to the conclusion that I could at least be cordial enough to attend the next visit to see Alex. Alex's mom and her husband would both be there. This would be his first visit as well. Up until this point, my best friend (Tiffany) was amazing and had been chaperoning all of the visits. She also had begun a dialogue with Alex's mom, which was really helpful. She is truly the best friend ever that isn't a blood relative. She took time from her family to go to these visits with Joseph all the way to Fort Worth (an hour and a half away).
See, it's one thing for me to know that Alex exists and that she is his, but how does that effect our family? Joseph wants to move forward with visitations and telling Grace and Ava that they have a new sister. How do I respond to the mountain of questions that Grace will surely have? How do we make this the best experience possible for our family?
It so happened that I was in Fort Worth visiting my mom a couple of days before my first interaction with this part of my husband's life. I would be in the same area as my husband and the woman he had an affair with. I knew God would at least give me the strength and Grace to be calm, but beyond that - I didn't have too much expectation. I kept praying for "the BEST" ... very vague, but all I knew to pray for in this situation. So it was in the middle of the night as I spoke with my mom about the visit which was 2 days away. As we talked I had a wonderful experience....
I didn't know it could happen how it did, but I'm so thankful. I was given peace!!!! JUST FOR ME! 100% non-dependent on anything I could say or do and certainly not dependent on any "guarantee" that any human could give me about how the Visit would go. I realized that all of this torture, misery and questioning brought me to a place where I got to be ME again. God saw that even though I didn't know HOW the visit was going to turn out, even though I didn't know if Joseph and I would fight afterwards or how his ex would respond or how I would handle everything emotionally.. I still stepped out on faith and did what I knew I could do. Which was? To GO.
Ex's husband AND in her shoes as well. Joseph and I had been through "hell" but at least he was honest with me. His Ex, still hadn't even told her husband that Joseph was seeing Alex. He is SO in the dark. She hadn't even told her MOM that Alex was not her husband's child. I do have compassion for her. Feeling so alone and as if her life is a lie. I knew she would be FREAKING out since her husband was attending this first visit since she had recently talked him into letting Joseph see Alex (tho Joseph already had been). Based on conversations she had with Tiffany (my BFF and their chaperon) I knew she was freaking out about how I would react.
That night, talking with my mom, I felt very led to remove that fear from her - fear of ME. So, I did it. I called her. The day before the first ever visit that I would attend. I called her and told her it was ok. I wasn't going to freak on her, I forgave her and I promised to do whatever was within my power to make the visits go well. It IS what it IS. We can't change it now.. just move forward as best possible.
What a relief! I have been released from all of the FEAR. It really had a huge grip on me for months. I still don't know what is going to happen. My daughters ARE going to find out very soon and for now ... Mommy's answer will be "It's pretty exciting to have a new sister!" and "It's just how God did it this time". I do not believe the birth of a child is ever a mistake. My daughters have the right to admire their daddy regardless of what we have been through and to love a new sister the best they can. As they get older some questions will have to be addressed but for now, that will be enough.
So that's where we are now. It's a major work in progress and Joseph and I rarely see eye to eye, but I hope he sees why I am doing what I am doing and WHY I am who I am. I'm thankful that his ex's husband didn't come with any weapons. Seriously, people have been KILLED for less than this. I'm thankful that I'm not scared anymore. I just want to be happy and my husband and kids to be happy. I just want to honor God in my life to the best of my ability and do what I believe He is telling me to do - whether anyone else gets it or not. I'm told that I should have left already. I'm well aware I'm not doing the "popular" thing. I'm not doing what most could, but I pray it's blessed beyond measure for my future generations.
Sorry it's so long this time. I will try and update much more often!
:) In Him,
Kara
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