Meet Alex...

We decided to take the girls to meet Alex about 6 or 7 weeks ago. We now all go visit her every other Sunday and play. My biggest fear leading up to this was how Grace and Ava would react to the fact that there was a new little sister and that they had different moms. I knew all I could do was pray about it and move forward. Praying God would give Joseph and I the RIGHT words when the time came to tell our daughters. That Joseph and I would be united in our presentation and not seem like we were on opposite teams.

I wanted it to be the best experience possible. There is no reason why the girls should have any negative feelings associated with this if we can help it. So we told them. Grace was a little perplexed. When she asked me how was it possible.. I just said "that's how God did it this time". She knows I have a half brother and we are close with him and his mom. They don't know the details there and have never questioned it - so it wasn't too big of a stretch for them when I stated that this was how God did it this time.

Ava LOVES being a big sister now and every couple of days I get asked when we are going to go see Alex. We pray for her and her older sister every night at bed time. I'm happy that for now, the girls are still so innocent. I love the mercy, grace and peace that only God can give.

So, here are a couple of pictures of our three girls at their first meeting.

 

Can you tell they played pretty hard before I got to take these??? :) 

More updates soon. 

I continue to pray for favor and provision, perseverance and love!

Small Update

We (Joseph and I) went to see Alex yesterday and I got to meet her grandmother. She was so sweet, didn't speak a word of english, but it didn't matter. Alex's mom translated for her, and I was given some compliments that about brought me to tears. The one thing she said to me in english was masked with a heavy accent. I thought she said I had "beautiful, big hair" ... and my reply was (with a huge smile).. "thank you! I have been told that a time or two. (and i touched my hair) .. I do have pretty thick hair for a white girl!" and i giggled.

The grandmother laughed and looked at Alex's mom and said in spanish "I think she thinks I'm talking about her hair.." ... and i hear the word "CORAZON", a word I well know... She was telling me how beautiful I was and that I had a big heart! Followed by how nice I was and how if mine and hers shoes were switched, she didn't think she could do what I was doing. All I could do was say "thank you". It's as if it was from God to me, confirmation for making the right choice. I'll take that compliment. Don't think I'll ever forget it. She was so precious.  :)  Alex warned up a little to Joseph which was a relief to both of us. Thank you Jesus for the blessings! I'm still coveting those prayers though so PLEASE keep them coming.

Update....

I'm sure all of you who do keep up with my blog are wondering why it's been a couple of months since my last post. The honest truth is that each time I have wanted to journal about "life as I know it" it keeps changing.

For almost a year I have been living some twisted nightmare where I wanted to move forward, but was so very terrified of what that meant. Each time I would give an "inch" of myself and tip-toe out into the unknown, I felt a sharp sting of nonacceptance. It didn't seem to matter how much or how little I put myself out there - my words, thoughts, presence was not received well and I was told how I was in DENIAL! Which frankly, angered me. If there is one thing I have never been, it's in denial about this situation. Needless to say, I was feeling VERY reluctant of any change which moved me and my family towards the acceptance and daily presence of Joseph's daughter, Alex (Alexandra) in our lives. But the truth is, it's not her or accepting her - She just represents the change. It's how Joseph and I have not been able to communicate throughout the entire situation. Nothing I said made him happy and even my most honest, heartfelt words seemed to push him into further disdain for me. It broke my heart and angered me beyond measure. All I was trying to do was survive the situation and not make it worse. Allow him to do what he needed to do and give him the freedom to feel whatever it was that he felt about all of this. This attitude was not reciprocated. Joseph seemed to just put up with me. Never seemed to acknowledge the good that I was doing, but was very quick to jump on anything I said or did that made things harder for him. He really just didn't get it or maybe didn't care anymore, that I was BROKEN over all of this. And I was truly doing all I knew to do in the situation. On the night that we read the DNA results, I believe his words to my numbness were "Kara you have had three years to get over this!" As if the confirmation that the child is his would just snap me out of the despair that I was in.

It's comments like that, and Joseph's apparent lack of consideration for my feelings that made me daily question whether or not I could do this. Could I continue with this marriage? I am a person who is well aware that the grass is not greener on the other side. Yes, I could leave. I could find someone else or just be alone - but then let's consider the extent of things that would then be completely out of my control.. such as what type of person and father would Joseph become? What type of woman would he be with? What influences would my children be around when I was not there? There would then be three little girls (Grace, Ava and Alex) without their father - well at least not in the way that a father should ideally be. These are all New problems that I would be switching my difficult marriage for.

So on with the story... In May, I had come to the conclusion that I could at least be cordial enough to attend the next visit to see Alex. Alex's mom and her husband would both be there. This would be his first visit as well. Up until this point, my best friend (Tiffany) was amazing and had been chaperoning all of the visits. She also had begun a dialogue with Alex's mom, which was really helpful. She is truly the best friend ever that isn't a blood relative. She took time from her family to go to these visits with Joseph all the way to Fort Worth (an hour and a half away).

See, it's one thing for me to know that Alex exists and that she is his, but how does that effect our family? Joseph wants to move forward with visitations and telling Grace and Ava that they have a new sister. How do I respond to the mountain of questions that Grace will surely have? How do we make this the best experience possible for our family?

It so happened that I was in Fort Worth visiting my mom a couple of days before my first interaction with this part of my husband's life. I would be in the same area as my husband and the woman he had an affair with. I knew God would at least give me the strength and Grace to be calm, but beyond that - I didn't have too much expectation. I kept praying for "the BEST" ... very vague, but all I knew to pray for in this situation. So it was in the middle of the night as I spoke with my mom about the visit which was 2 days away. As we talked I had a wonderful experience....

I didn't know it could happen how it did, but I'm so thankful. I was given peace!!!! JUST FOR ME! 100% non-dependent on anything I could say or do and certainly not dependent on any "guarantee" that any human could give me about how the Visit would go. I realized that all of this torture, misery and questioning brought me to a place where I got to be ME again. God saw that even though I didn't know HOW the visit was going to turn out, even though I didn't know if Joseph and I would fight afterwards or how his ex would respond or how I would handle everything emotionally.. I still stepped out on faith and did what I knew I could do. Which was? To GO.

Ex's husband AND in her shoes as well. Joseph and I had been through "hell" but at least he was honest with me. His Ex, still hadn't even told her husband that Joseph was seeing Alex. He is SO in the dark. She hadn't even told her MOM that Alex was not her husband's child. I do have compassion for her. Feeling so alone and as if her life is a lie. I knew she would be FREAKING out since her husband was attending this first visit since she had recently talked him into letting Joseph see Alex (tho Joseph already had been). Based on conversations she had with Tiffany (my BFF and their chaperon) I knew she was freaking out about how I would react.

That night, talking with my mom, I felt very led to remove that fear from her - fear of ME. So, I did it. I called her. The day before the first ever visit that I would attend. I called her and told her it was ok. I wasn't going to freak on her, I forgave her and I promised to do whatever was within my power to make the visits go well. It IS what it IS. We can't change it now.. just move forward as best possible.

What a relief! I have been released from all of the FEAR. It really had a huge grip on me for months. I still don't know what is going to happen. My daughters ARE going to find out very soon and for now ... Mommy's answer will be "It's pretty exciting to have a new sister!" and "It's just how God did it this time". I do not believe the birth of a child is ever a mistake. My daughters have the right to admire their daddy regardless of what we have been through and to love a new sister the best they can. As they get older some questions will have to be addressed but for now, that will be enough.

So that's where we are now. It's a major work in progress and Joseph and I rarely see eye to eye, but I hope he sees why I am doing what I am doing and WHY I am who I am. I'm thankful that his ex's husband didn't come with any weapons. Seriously, people have been KILLED for less than this. I'm thankful that I'm not scared anymore. I just want to be happy and my husband and kids to be happy. I just want to honor God in my life to the best of my ability and do what I believe He is telling me to do - whether anyone else gets it or not. I'm told that I should have left already. I'm well aware I'm not doing the "popular" thing. I'm not doing what most could, but I pray it's blessed beyond measure for my future generations.

Sorry it's so long this time. I will try and update much more often!

:) In Him,
Kara

Thoughts....

For a while I have not felt like there was a point to my blog except for the fact that it was therapeutic to me and helps me update people I'm close to on how things are going. I have been so excited lately though to see that I have a few anonymous visitors out there and a couple have actually contacted me to encourage me. It has been a true blessing. Just when I feel like I'm alone and that it doesn't really matter, God sends me a little message through these precious women. I love to see people reach out - I just am not use to it being done to me. How humbling and encouraging.

It's safe to say that the last week and especially 24 hours have been pretty hard for me in light of the fact that we got the results back. They were read last night, and it's all official now. I was not handling it very well. Up until now I have made the conscious choice to neither accept nor deny what seemed to be obvious until I had proof. I could not allow myself to accept it because I believe God still does miracles every day, and why couldn't this be one of them? He can, if he chooses to and if he chooses not to, there must be a good reason - Right?

The finality of the results sent me quick into a deep depression that I really don't know how to get out of. I was on the phone with my best friend this morning. She was checking on me since she knew we had received the results and I hadn't really talked to her about it. While on the phone with me she got another call from her mother-in-law who was just calling to share some scripture from her morning Bible study. She is unaware of most of my situation, I believe. While sharing the scripture she said "oh and you can share it with Kara too." So my BFF (Tiffany) came back on the line and said "OK I'm suppose to share something with you." If you have ever had one of these moments you know it's divine - doesn't always make it easy to swallow though.

The reference was Isaiah 26:2-4 which reads  (KJV)
 ²Open ye the gates, that the righteous nation which keepeth the truth may enter in.
 ³Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
 ⁴Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength

How crazy. What a reminder that even when I am troubled, with what is TRULY a temporary situation in view of eternity, God will remind me that ultimately I do trust Him. Even when I feel as though my world is falling apart and I can't handle it anymore He says (my paraphrase/interpretation for this situation) "The Lord opens the gates so the righteous nation (people) who keep the truth can enter. He will keep in perfect peace, those whose mind stays on Him because they trust Him. Trust in the Lord forever because He IS everlasting strength". What a reminder to not be discouraged and to keep doing what has been my goal all along - trust HIM. Don't be distracted by what Satan meant for evil. Don't give him the pleasure of self-inflicted torment by lingering on something that is out of my control. It. Will. Eat. Me. Alive. No Doubt.

I am so glad I'm keeping this blog. As I just began what I expected to be a pretty depressing and devastating entry - I decided to re-read my last couple of entries. I was reminded that it's not all about this battle or this desert. It's about the journey. It's about the harvest!

We will survive this. Wouldn't it be nice if I could have just keep a little grace intact?? ~Kara  

My anthem at the moment (and since last August) AND I'm Claiming it!...

Desert Song....(I've referred to it before and now I'm just throwing it all out here)
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides.


And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved or more worth that gold
So refine me, Lord through the flames


I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare - God is my victory and He is here


And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand


I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare - God is my victory and He is here


All of my life, In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship


I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare - God is my victory and He is here


This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again 
The seed I've received I will sow

All about Sanctification!

Definition of Sanctification: "The act of sanctifying or making holy; the state of being sanctified or made holy; esp. (Theol.), the act of God's grace by which the affections of men are purified, or alienated from sin and the world, and exalted to a supreme love to God; also, the state of being thus purified or sanctified. [1913 Webster]" 
To paraphrase - working on yourself to become holy, to become Christlike. 

One would assume that if you are a christian, then your main goal, apart from winning souls to the Lord, would be to Sanctify yourself. To set yourself apart (become holy) and become more like Christ daily. As silly as this sounds, this is not always easy to do. We often get caught up in our own agenda and time line - we need to step back, look at the BIG picture and gain some perspective.



The book we are reading in Wednesday night class is called Sacred Marriage, and is pretty good. A book like this is really only as good as you make it though right? Tonight we reviewed chapter 8, Sacred Struggle. For some reason THIS week is where it started to really click for me. The last several chapters have been good and have had some good areas for life application, but this week was different for me. It was less direct than the last few chapters and talked about how good can come from bad. Yes, I did already know that! But for some reason I had the moment/revelation. Mom and I call it the "Ah ha" moment. Thought I already knew it - in bits and pieces, I hadn't connected the dots to form this much needed revelation. Here goes...

YOU MEAN ALL OF THIS IS TO REFINE ME????? WHAT THE HECK?!!?!?!? Yes, this is what I have been asking for, for so long. Refine me through this fire, return to me the joy of my salvation, make me who you had me to be, renew my faith and make me wise once more. Those are the Goal. To put it as Beth Moore would, I have been wholering (spell check doesn't have a "hick" version so I've no idea if that's spelled right) flat on my back at the bottom of this Pit and finally stood up to see what was going on around me!! I now have a vision of what all is going on - I realize I am getting answers to my prayers AND it sucks! Yes, you read right. It sucks! (the struggle in the answered prayer is NOT fun - throwing back to my chapter title this week "Sacred Struggle")

I am SO proud and happy to see the progress thus far, but MAN I wish it wasn't so hard! I wish I had more confidence that it will all be ok. And God said, It will and I do my best to receive that. I am being refined. SLOW PROCESS! My Faith is growing, who knows about wisdom (I won't notice until I've had a good dose of it) and the joy of my salvation is creeping in giving me wonderful sperts of joy. All happening so slowly. I want the end result. I want to get to the end and know it will all be ok. BUT I rejoice in the progress still!

Wow, I'm just realizing that I don't think I have laid it all out there for you since I started the blog. I have been keeping this so tight inside me. Worried what might happen if I let it go. The reality sets in once it's out there... My husband and I were seperated for 9 months, you should already know that much. I really didn't think we would get back together. We did. Right at the same time, he learns a pregnancy had come about with another woman. The baby just turned 2 a couple of weeks ago. We hadn't heard from the married woman until this last June. Joseph has seen the baby and is seeking a relationship with his daughter though a paternity test is still pending but will happen in the very near future. All visual signs point to her being Joseph's. So here I am. Doing what I believe is RIGHT. The RIGHT thing. And not handling it too gracefully I might add- or not as gracefully as I'd like to. But I truly believe at Judgment I could not hold my head up and admit I turned my back on my commitment, that I had given up. If you aren't a christian, you are thinking, "girl, you are crazy. I'd kick him to the curb". But I have a promise for eternity. I make mistakes REGULARLY, but this one is BIG. It effects more than just me and I can't accept anything less from myself than what I believe is right.

So what do you believe? Do you believe the person you married is truly who you are suppose to be with and DID you really mean what you said when you MADE your wedding vows? Do you believe that God won't give you more than you can handle? What is your purpose? What did God put you here for, or maybe the question is WHO did He put you here for? Is there a better example than marriage, for laying down your own desires and becoming like Christ?

I have not been perfect, but I have done the best I could with what I had, what I knew, and what I could handle. I always want to do better. I ALWAYS really do want to do the right thing, that doesn't mean I will. Even when I get derailed, I still WANT to be doing the right thing.

OK long story to say that I see things are moving. Moving me closer to being like Christ. I just need to encourage myself that it will be OK and that when things get tough I AM still making the Right choice - no matter what. Even if I mess up. My goal is my goal, whether I like it all the time or not, it will remain my goal.

can you say... "now go apply that mentality to losing weight and getting healthy!" ?... yes, this is how my mind works :)

This and That...

I'm happy to report that this month seems to hold marked improvements. Joseph and I are communicating much better and more frequently than we had in the recent past. We also are reading Sacred Marriage for a study group on Wednesday nights. Lastly, (and though I hate to admit that this is something I have never attempted before) I have decided to start reading the Bible - beginning to end.

The first week of this year was a pretty nasty one for me, but also included a couple of breakthroughs which have been a great blessing and I pray they continue.

As for Sacred Marriage, I am really enjoying it and am also happy to report I have stayed on top of my reading. This is a new and wonderful thing for me! I am finally making some VERY small steps toward a better ME. I am so glad I ordered the audio version of the book as well for Joseph to listen to, he is really surprising me lately and I hope that continues as well.

As for me and reading the Bible. I know, I know. It's crazy. I mean, I'm sure you would assume that I had already at least tackled this, even if I had not completed it. But the truth is, I have never set out to read it from beginning to end because I didn't want to fail at it. It's one thing to stop reading some random book, no matter how much I enjoyed it. But it would be a much larger deal to me to just decide I didn't want to finish once I start THE BOOK. I am happy to say that while I am not on any "plan" and haven't read in a couple of days, I still have the desire to and plan to read a few more chapters tonight. I feel kind of lame that I'm so excited about this, but it has been a long time since I have thought enough of myself to even consider this task. It's a glimpse of someone I use to be and still am deep down.

I am trying to set up some small routines (though there are many LARGE ones I want in place - but BABY steps Baby steps people!) and one is reading to Grace at night. I have always wanted to do this. It's something that as a child I would have loved but my parents never regularly did. So, I got out Grace's story Bible and we started with Cain and Able and are all the way to Moses. She loves it and I hope I continue to do it with her.

Anyway. I guess that's all I have for now. Baby steps. Be praying for me and the family.

K

Study #2

So tomorrow we start our second study at church. It's on a book called "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. Now, I'm not a reader. I love the idea of reading, but never really finish a book. So it should be no surprise to you that I already own Sacred Marriage, but have not read it. My mom gave it to me several years back and I was so appreciative that I never even cracked the cover. :( Bad daughter, I know! And since our big move to the country, I can't find it. I am however randomly finding a lot of other books throughout my house (ALL of which, have NEVER been completed). I have finished 2 audio books, GO ME, "How to Win Friends & Influence People" & "Get Out of That Pit" - The first was really for work and the second was for me and I would suggest it to even my closest friends in a heartbeat.

All of this to say, it seems God really wants me to read this book, Sacred Marriage. Thinking I need the Audio Book tho. Plus Joseph could listen to it on his iPod while at work if we did that - otherwise he won't read it either. This book will HOPEFULLY be part of my recent "breakthrough" and will help Joseph and I figure some stuff out. How awesome it would be if marriage was EASY!

Keep Praying...