Today marks my eleventh wedding anniversary. One would think that after two years of separation and all of the mess before that, that this wouldn't bother me anymore. I knew today was coming up. But somehow it slipped my mind until there I was sitting in a restaurant by myself and the waitress asked me where my kids were. We obviously frequent this restaurant. I thought it was sweet that she asked. As I began to say that the girls were with their dad this weekend, she asked whether we were separated. It was in that moment that I realized it had slipped my mind.
I know we are where we are, and I don't expect anything to change. I don't hope for reconciliation. But as much as I am content with moving forward, I doubt I will ever really get over my marriage ending. I will never really get over what this has done my children.
I feel like it's unusual to be sad that it's finally legally ending but relieved it's almost over. Bittersweet.
As for the sabbatical, I have not been as successful as I had hoped. I know I can't be too hard on myself. I know I have made progress. But all I can see are the areas that I'm not hitting my own expectation of myself.
The truth is I'm pretty happy where I am. But I know I could be more happy with a special someone by my side. So don't have to do it all alone. So that we don't have to do it all alone.
So I have a little more than three months left of my sabbatical and I'm hoping that I really take advantage of it.
I will be happy when I don't feel this internal struggle of what I feel like and believe God has promised me versus what I believe or feel like is actually happening. They conflict. It's so hard for me. I want to have faith. Faith that what He says will happen WILL happen. And I do have that faith in a lot of ways. But I guess with my past experience with men, I've lost that faith. That trust. That willingness to let go.
I have hidden something in my heart for so long, and to see it not come together (or at least not in the way I expected it to) is hard. Is this thing that I have hidden in my heart and inordanent thing? How do I know when to let go?
Okay I am so sorry. Way too much rambling on and on tonight. Just so much on my mind.
