note: I'm NOT spell checking this post. My comp is acting up..
I feel as if this blog needs a new title. "A Wife of Noble Charachter" just feels wrong. Ideas on a new name? Should I stick with the current one? My initial purpose of the page was to get some things off my chest and keep people aprised of my life situations. I suppose I am still using it for that purpose and Noble Character is definitely something I wish to hold on to - assuming anyone thought I possessed it to begin with... I'll mull this one over for a while.
Can you tell that I'm a "processor"? I process life. Talk it over. A lot less than I use to. The last year my need to process with others (talk things through) has lessened. The few years previous to this last one where the worst. The blog has certainly been helpful to me at times when I didn't feel like inconveniencing others with my drama or when I felt like it woudln't make sense to anyone and pointless to discuss. I am struggling with this post because I don't want to sound insaine. :) I feel the need to get a few things out there for the benefit of working through it, but I'm worried it might be taken the wrong way... take all of the following with a grain of salt and remember who the real me is lol.
Let me start with saying that this is the first official week of our separation. I find myself not knowing how to be. I don't want to be unfriendly with J, but also don't want to be overly friendly. I don't want to assume he cares to hear from me but at the same time I have no desire to stay here and all of the sudden only offer "one word answers" to him. It's a strange walk.
I have been blessed with a few very friendly weeks with J, just before my first week here. I even was down due to back pain during my entire last week at home and he was so good to me. I'm a whiner and all last week he never showed his frustration with me. I know I had to have been driving him up the wall, I was truly in severe pain, but he never made me feel bad about it. I don't like to ask for his help and especially didn't want to ask for any help with packing our stuff to come to mom's - but I had no other choice. He was so kind.
Kindness is a wonderful show of favor from the Lord. I want to ask myself "WHY did it take all of this for him to finally start showing me true kindness??" but it doesn't really matter. Kindness isn't love. It isn't what a marriage should be Built on. Kindness makes love less difficult - Makes marriage much easier to navigate, but it does not Make a marriage. Friendliness too - we have gotten along so much better over the last few weeks. I feel like he has actually wanted to spend some time with me and that he has enjoied the time that he was able to spend. For SO LONG before this I was so very insecure and SO hurt by things he had said to me that I couldn't just enjoy being with him. I felt at any moment he was going to verbally remind me of how discontent/unsatisfied/displeased he was with me. What kind of person can just ignore that and have fun?!? Not me. Friendliness doesn't make a marriage.
When the overall decision was made to separate, things seemed to become less tense between the two of us. He knew I was going to let him go. Whether he found a place and moved out or I did, I was going to allow him to "not be with me". I was conceding to what he had been saying for a couple of years. Even in knowing I had "let him go" I continued to do all of the things I always had done for him. I love him. I have always wanted to take care of him. NOT be his mother, but be a wife who made his life easier in the ways that I could. We both have been doing what we believed was the RIGHT thing to do for ther other one, but not due to the love of a spouse, it has been more out of kindness I think? I wish we could have had this all along. It might have helped keep us from getting to where we got. But ultimately kindness/friendliness is not a marriage. I, my likes and dislikes, my attitude towards life, my passion for particular topics or people, my appearance, the things I enjoy.. are all things that he is not content with. He wants someone who treats him better, has more fun, is more outgoing, is more attractive.. I don't know.
Why am I getting so bogged down in all of this? I always want to know what I could have done different. How I could have FIXED it. Idon't believe I could have.
I know this post is negative. I'm sorry. I have actually been pretty positive about all of this. I am SO SO SO SO thankful for the kindness J has been showing towards me. I am SO grateful for my mom and Rodney's (step dad) willingness to help me transition into this new life. I am beyond overwhelmed by the FAVOR my Lord is showing me - even in my mistakes -even when I'm rambling on in some blog because my brain feels like it's going in 20 different directions.
I just want and pray for the situation to turn out the very best possible for my kids and J. I want the best for him. I want the best for them. I need direction on how to manuvure myself through this to accomplish that goal.
Feeling torn. My spirit is at peace with my decision, but my heart is restless with everything there is to do, every choice there is to make and every conversation there is to have.
I am at a loss of what else to say. Prayers are much appreciated, as usual. Most pressing is how to communicate as we make this transition. What is enough? What is too much/not enough? I can tell I have a bit of a struggle ahead of me. prayers prayers prayers. if you are reading, i know you have some amount of care for how my life/j's life/the girls' life is going... thanks for caring - seriously. i greatly appreciate your concern and thinking of us.
<><K
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