Update....

I'm sure all of you who do keep up with my blog are wondering why it's been a couple of months since my last post. The honest truth is that each time I have wanted to journal about "life as I know it" it keeps changing.

For almost a year I have been living some twisted nightmare where I wanted to move forward, but was so very terrified of what that meant. Each time I would give an "inch" of myself and tip-toe out into the unknown, I felt a sharp sting of nonacceptance. It didn't seem to matter how much or how little I put myself out there - my words, thoughts, presence was not received well and I was told how I was in DENIAL! Which frankly, angered me. If there is one thing I have never been, it's in denial about this situation. Needless to say, I was feeling VERY reluctant of any change which moved me and my family towards the acceptance and daily presence of Joseph's daughter, Alex (Alexandra) in our lives. But the truth is, it's not her or accepting her - She just represents the change. It's how Joseph and I have not been able to communicate throughout the entire situation. Nothing I said made him happy and even my most honest, heartfelt words seemed to push him into further disdain for me. It broke my heart and angered me beyond measure. All I was trying to do was survive the situation and not make it worse. Allow him to do what he needed to do and give him the freedom to feel whatever it was that he felt about all of this. This attitude was not reciprocated. Joseph seemed to just put up with me. Never seemed to acknowledge the good that I was doing, but was very quick to jump on anything I said or did that made things harder for him. He really just didn't get it or maybe didn't care anymore, that I was BROKEN over all of this. And I was truly doing all I knew to do in the situation. On the night that we read the DNA results, I believe his words to my numbness were "Kara you have had three years to get over this!" As if the confirmation that the child is his would just snap me out of the despair that I was in.

It's comments like that, and Joseph's apparent lack of consideration for my feelings that made me daily question whether or not I could do this. Could I continue with this marriage? I am a person who is well aware that the grass is not greener on the other side. Yes, I could leave. I could find someone else or just be alone - but then let's consider the extent of things that would then be completely out of my control.. such as what type of person and father would Joseph become? What type of woman would he be with? What influences would my children be around when I was not there? There would then be three little girls (Grace, Ava and Alex) without their father - well at least not in the way that a father should ideally be. These are all New problems that I would be switching my difficult marriage for.

So on with the story... In May, I had come to the conclusion that I could at least be cordial enough to attend the next visit to see Alex. Alex's mom and her husband would both be there. This would be his first visit as well. Up until this point, my best friend (Tiffany) was amazing and had been chaperoning all of the visits. She also had begun a dialogue with Alex's mom, which was really helpful. She is truly the best friend ever that isn't a blood relative. She took time from her family to go to these visits with Joseph all the way to Fort Worth (an hour and a half away).

See, it's one thing for me to know that Alex exists and that she is his, but how does that effect our family? Joseph wants to move forward with visitations and telling Grace and Ava that they have a new sister. How do I respond to the mountain of questions that Grace will surely have? How do we make this the best experience possible for our family?

It so happened that I was in Fort Worth visiting my mom a couple of days before my first interaction with this part of my husband's life. I would be in the same area as my husband and the woman he had an affair with. I knew God would at least give me the strength and Grace to be calm, but beyond that - I didn't have too much expectation. I kept praying for "the BEST" ... very vague, but all I knew to pray for in this situation. So it was in the middle of the night as I spoke with my mom about the visit which was 2 days away. As we talked I had a wonderful experience....

I didn't know it could happen how it did, but I'm so thankful. I was given peace!!!! JUST FOR ME! 100% non-dependent on anything I could say or do and certainly not dependent on any "guarantee" that any human could give me about how the Visit would go. I realized that all of this torture, misery and questioning brought me to a place where I got to be ME again. God saw that even though I didn't know HOW the visit was going to turn out, even though I didn't know if Joseph and I would fight afterwards or how his ex would respond or how I would handle everything emotionally.. I still stepped out on faith and did what I knew I could do. Which was? To GO.

Ex's husband AND in her shoes as well. Joseph and I had been through "hell" but at least he was honest with me. His Ex, still hadn't even told her husband that Joseph was seeing Alex. He is SO in the dark. She hadn't even told her MOM that Alex was not her husband's child. I do have compassion for her. Feeling so alone and as if her life is a lie. I knew she would be FREAKING out since her husband was attending this first visit since she had recently talked him into letting Joseph see Alex (tho Joseph already had been). Based on conversations she had with Tiffany (my BFF and their chaperon) I knew she was freaking out about how I would react.

That night, talking with my mom, I felt very led to remove that fear from her - fear of ME. So, I did it. I called her. The day before the first ever visit that I would attend. I called her and told her it was ok. I wasn't going to freak on her, I forgave her and I promised to do whatever was within my power to make the visits go well. It IS what it IS. We can't change it now.. just move forward as best possible.

What a relief! I have been released from all of the FEAR. It really had a huge grip on me for months. I still don't know what is going to happen. My daughters ARE going to find out very soon and for now ... Mommy's answer will be "It's pretty exciting to have a new sister!" and "It's just how God did it this time". I do not believe the birth of a child is ever a mistake. My daughters have the right to admire their daddy regardless of what we have been through and to love a new sister the best they can. As they get older some questions will have to be addressed but for now, that will be enough.

So that's where we are now. It's a major work in progress and Joseph and I rarely see eye to eye, but I hope he sees why I am doing what I am doing and WHY I am who I am. I'm thankful that his ex's husband didn't come with any weapons. Seriously, people have been KILLED for less than this. I'm thankful that I'm not scared anymore. I just want to be happy and my husband and kids to be happy. I just want to honor God in my life to the best of my ability and do what I believe He is telling me to do - whether anyone else gets it or not. I'm told that I should have left already. I'm well aware I'm not doing the "popular" thing. I'm not doing what most could, but I pray it's blessed beyond measure for my future generations.

Sorry it's so long this time. I will try and update much more often!

:) In Him,
Kara