Forgiveness... Yuck. This is not something I typically have much of a problem with. That may sound like I'm "tooting my own horn", but I have experienced a lot as a child and as an adult which required that I be good at forgiving. If I hadn't forgiven, it would have eaten me alive. There were a few (mostly 2) people who worked SO HARD to get me to a good place in my life. I am so thankful to them and bless that I got to such a great place! It has been some years since then and I must say I'm having a terribly hard time right now.
For the most part, I feel like I have forgiven J. I will be honest and admit that I have a few "hot buttons" that when pushed still send me to a pretty bad spot, but they are getting better and I'm trying so hard to let go and have faith that things will be OK. In general I do not have hard feelings towards him. There are things he does that I do not like, but that is just PEOPLE. People are flawed and that is not a "forgiveness" issue. That is a difference in people. I want that best for him. Always have, always will.
All summer, whether listening to sermons on TV or in church, I have REPEATEDLY been preached TO (ha ha) about forgiveness. I keep asking, GOD WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!?! I am TRYING and am WILLING... why all of these messages?
Here is WHY: For several months now I have been extremely hurt by an individual. I have tried to just let it go, but the hurt and the situation keep slapping me in the face.
This person I just don't know what to do! Forgive? Ok. I can do that. I am completely understanding that people can get to a point where they do something that is not ok and is hurtful. What do I do when the thought of that person sends me into a manic state? I feel my blood pressure rise and I get really angry. Occasional communication ALWAYS leads to knots in my stomach, confusion, frustration, painful emotions... Doesn't sound like it's from our Heavenly Father does it? Sounds like a spiritual attack, right?
I have been praying for help forgiving them and for healing! DAILY! The problem I have is, even when they are forgiven, the root problem is still there - their heart and their actions reflect a lack of concern for me - eventho their words don't match up with that. Their actions still show that they Refuse to acknowledge the existence of things they have been warned against. I don't understand not wanting to know-and-live-in the TRUTH. It shows that they really just don't care that much. Life is easier to just ignore and do what they want to do. I can't live in that.
I can't keep allowing myself to be hurt. While forgiveness is perfect, trust is lost and fear of being hurt again is RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. The only option that I seem to have is to remove them from my life or me from theirs. I don't like that option. The fact that I don't like that option shows some forgiveness - If I hadn't forgiven, I wouldn't care for them to be in my life.
The thing is, I do care BUT it seems that I might have to relinquish that and move on? The only way I can remain is for them to change and since I have no control over that... then what?
The facts:
*Your sin doesn't just affect YOU. It effects those around you (spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, everyone). Sometimes a lot more that you ever imagined possible. While sin can be forgiven, it leaves traces that take a long time to FORGET.
*God brings past truth back into view - truths we have forgotten. Just because we forgot the past truth, does not mean it won't come back to bite us!!
*Bitterness ALWAYS leads to bondage. It's the result of unforgiveness due to an unfulfilled expectation. Again.. YUCK!
*Timing - God's timing is very important. the bad had to happen exactly how/when it did for me to be where I am now. But what do I do with that?!? Judas was doing his job.. it was done that way for God's purpose and eventho Jesus forgave him.. I'm sure Judas' betrayal HURT! Jesus, being God, would know how to deal LOL. I'm just human, trying to survive and do the right thing.
*God will honor boldness.. the question is WHICH BOLDNESS? The boldness to Stand In the gap and hope to be a good example and allow hurt to carry on? Or is it the boldness to Stand Up to the continued abuse of a friendship and remove myself from the situation permanently?
I'll Define Continued Abuse in this situation: disregard for how their actions affect others? Manipulation of friends to get what they want? Wearing TWO masks/2 lives? Continued refusal to heed warning?
I'm just not at peace. I keep getting really really angry and am praying I can let it go. Maybe the only way I can is to separate myself fully from the person? I am just SO against it. So against leaving those who you have made a pledge to protect and be friends with. We aren't talking about personality conflicts. I don't give up on people. I hate it. No one is perfect. Ultimately, I see how separating would help ME.. BUT I don't see how it would help them. I don't think they would understand my actions and it would not lead to a positive outcome for them. Is it my place to worry about that, or do I just leave them in God's hands???
AND WHAT STINKS IS.. This is the least of my problems...
Be praying Please...
Mama needs it, Grace and Ava need it!
Grace, Mercy, Perseverance, Wisdom, Patience, Unending energy :) PEACE.. Anything else you can think of would be wonderful!
K
