Over Again....

So, I guess it's time to start over again. I fell off the band wagon and I'm ready not to feel spent all the time. For those of you who knew me back in the day - I'm there again, but with no one to pull me out this time. Where's the feistiness, passion, determination, difference? Yep. This post is depressing, but at least it's a benchmark. Need prayer - I'm not praying. Pretty much at that point of feeling like it doesn't make a difference, but I'm even halfhearted in that feeling. God knows my heart. Truly knows it. I want to pray and to believe it will make a difference. I know there are blessings, I have received them - even lately and I know they are just that (blessings). The thing is, they aren't the things I'm praying for. I know, I sound like a brat. I greatly appreciate the blessings. I covet them. Just feel like there are larger miracles to be worked. I know I'm not forgotten, that's what makes it so hard. What next?

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Nichole Nordeman "Gratitude"

EYE OPENING REMINDERS and NEW IDEAS... (this is LONG and sounds preachy, but really just to MYSELF)

As usual, it's been too long since my last post. At some point or another, I think about blogging every day but life is usually going on around me and so I wait...

This past week was not so great at first, but then on Wednesday I read the last 2 weeks' chapters in the parenting book I've been working on. Joseph was able to attend the study group on the book this past week, which I was really happy about. Not only that he could attend (work schedule has been crazy) but that on his one weekday evening at home, he chose to go instead of stay home and relax. AND he went alone! Grace had Strep (Mon-Thurs) so I stayed home with her while he took Ava to Awanas.

Anyway, though I didn't get to attend the class, the chapter was really impactful for me! The book is called Gospel-Powered Parenting and up until now, has been very conceptual. Things like "if you do what you are suppose to as a woman/man of God and have faith then God will take care of the rest and show himself to your children." All basically valid, but hard to apply! Parent's want IDEAS, but I am completely on board with the concept they are offering.

So this week's chapter was entitled 'The First Principal of Parenting' - Sounds odd since it's the 6th chapter, but there has been a lot of ground work leading up to this. In separate chapters we studied the fear of God, His Holiness and His Grace and now for the big "AH HA!" chapter (well for me anyway). The First Principal of Parenting is two-part. #1. Christ lead by example. We are to follow His lead and live as Christ. #2 The biggest EXAMPLE we have to set for our children is in our Marriage.

For most people, me included, their marriage is a spiritual battleground. Why? Because there is SO much at stake! Not to mention that Satan is in the "destruction" business. As for our children, we can do everything under the sun to coax them to be who/how WE want them to be, but if WE aren't living right why should they listen? Our children would be stupid to listen to parents who live by the rule of "Do As I Say, Not As I Do". How can you teach your children to LOVE Christ, while your marriage is preaching such an unattractive gospel to them??? It's contradictory. Your marriage will either preach a message that will attract or repel your children.

WOW! Never really thought about it like that. The book says "Parents who JOYFULLY pursue God are CONTAGIOUS. Joyful sacrifice for the gospel is contagious. A Gospel that makes parents Stable, Sincere, Joyful, Loving, Affectionate and Humble is CONTAGIOUS. Children will Want a God that produces these qualities." And, "Kids internalize their parents' passions. They alone see what or who we REALLY love, and not what we merely pretend to love." Whoa. In my daily life I forget this. I continue to watch my TV or get on the computer instead of show them what TRULY is important to me!

What I have been hearing and reading lately has been great. As I stated a while back, "I am going back to what I KNOW". Well, these things are all pretty much things I know, with a few exceptions, but I get SO caught up in DISCONTENT or INSECURITY that I forget. I GET SELFISH! Reading on, I see that Hypocrisy and pride also ruin our parenting example. BOTH of which I am guilty of. Hypocrisy is one of OUR sins that provokes our children to anger. "Fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Eph 6:3) And with Hypocrisy is usually pride. Pride makes us UNcorrectable! For most of us, protecting our self is more important to us than discovering the truth about us, so we can change our wrong behavior. It tells our children that we really have little interest in personal holiness. It's so important to set ourselves apart from the world and make a stand. Instead, we are so busy preserving out self-respect, that we are losing it in our children's eyes. OUR CHILDREN see the very sins that we are blind to. They have a front row seat and are watching intently!

Lastly the book speaks of humility and confession. Did you know you can sin against your children? Personally, I have never thought about it. I have considered sin to be very personal. I now realize those times that I do things in an extreme way towards my girls (to be brutally honest these extremities are truly Ungodly), and times that I feel the need to apologize, I have in fact sinned against them. My example before them, which IS EFFECTING THEM, is something that I often find myself apologizing to them for. I need to remember to ask for their forgiveness. We often forget that step! Confession PROVES our sincerity. It convinces our children that we really want to change and that GOD is worth changing for. He exalts the humble and gives Spiritual Authority to parents who humble themselves. This confession and asking for forgiveness is the PERFECT example of how our kids they are to be with God.

I already feel like I do a pretty good job of teaching them to praise God in song, and many other things, but HOW MUCH do my actions completely Negate what I try so hard to teach them?!?!?! Cross-centered parents are imperfect BUT they attract their children. And what they attract them to is the gospel. So this week I'm working on my marriage example. Hopefully my baby-steps will start to get bigger. I love my kids and my hubby and TRULY want to be the best wife and mom I can be. I have GOT to start showing what's important to me!

One good thing I have done lately is reading this book. Remember how I said I have a hard time finishing things. I don't understand it about me. BUT, I am over half way done with this book and am already feeling encouraged to start another - but let's finish one Big Idea at a time :)

OK so that's the end of the FIRST installment of this week's blog. I got a lot out of church yesterday too. I'll get it thought out and typed up later in the week....

Now for applying it all.... A work in progress.

K

Progress is the goal.....

So it's almost been a week... I find that I have made little change this week but have made a few baby steps. One of which is as simple as putting on makeup. For now, the goal is to just get it on before Joseph gets home from work and I will work up to getting it on when I first wake up. You might know that I am NOT a morning person so morning makeup has always been near impossible for me. Yeah, I might do it for a few days, but then decide it's not really worth it and stop. Such are most of the things I set out to do.

As I mentioned last time. I need to go back to what I KNOW. One of the things I know is that I am a VERY visual person. I also react more that act, but people still call me a leader. I don't know that I'm a leader as much as I'm a person people are drawn to. So, back to what I know :-) many years ago (we'll say 11yrs) when I was making a pretty major personal overhaul I had to write EVERYWHERE the things that I wanted to change about myself or things that would encourage and remind me to be what I could be. This has brought me to typing up Proverbs 31:10-31 (overlaid on a photo of course - you know me) and I need to hang it. Unfortunately, I won't remember all the things to do, or be encouraged to do them, if I cannot see them in front of me. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could just say, "I want to become really good at __." or, "I want to stop __." and DO it!!! Now the only roadblock is printing and hanging the photo. Back in the day I just scribbled it on some paper on a book or binder or backpack and/or stapled it to the wall in my room.

So I got my Weighdown Workshop kit today. Will start it tomorrow since it's almost 11pm now and the day is pretty much wasted. Would be AWESOME to have someone to do it with. I just hope the girls don't catch on too much. I don't want them worrying about their weight at their age. I remember being conscious of being overweight in elementary school. Crazy side note.... back in Jr. High and High School I was bigger than everyone else, for the most part. I ALWAYS felt huge and am much larger now then I was then. The other day Tiffany (who was a gymnast and was in Miss Texas - to give you an idea of what she might look like - certainly nothing like me) was helping me go through some old high school boxes and ran across the smaller of my 2 Plaid school skirts that YES, I have held onto :-) She put on the smaller of the two, which isn't that much smaller - AND IT FIT her! This means, that the view I have had of myself has been messed up for a LONG time. Even when I was wearing smaller clothes I still felt JUST AS BIG as I do now. I thought I was HUGE. I know this isn't all that interesting to some of you, but it was a pretty big revelation to me. I have GOT to make changes and I will do my very best to not pass my issues on down to my kiddos.

Random tidbit.. loving Natalie Grant's newest album, Love Revolution (Grace rocks out to it in the car anytime I let her, but her fave song of Natalie's is "HUMAN")... my latest favorite is "DESERT SONG" . I think I would put Desert Song as my permanent Facebook status, if it would all fit.... And just as awesome as the last is "YOUR GREAT NAME" Love it Love it Love it! Enjoy them...

More to come....

Healthy Fear (or the lack there of)

Even after choosing to make a change JUST YESTERDAY - today I found myself being very unproductive and not sticking to the few guidelines that I had put in place. I am realizing it all stems back to the lack of self discipline. My question now is, Why?

Joseph and I began going to a Wednesday night Bible study 4 weeks ago. He was able to make it to part of the 1st class but due to work, has been unable to make it to any since. The class is on the book "Gospel-Powered Parenting" by William Farley. The chapter we read this week was entitled "Gospel Fear" and the importance of a child-like fear of God. And in the next few weeks will help us figure out how to show our children how to have that kind of fear..

After letting the chapter set in a bit, I'm beginning to think that a major part of my problem is a lack of fear towards God. I had never considered it before. I mean, I know it is logical to fear Him and in general I do - but that is not enough. I think if I had a healthy fear of Him, I would be more responsible and not want to let Him down. The kind of fear I am talking about is a child-like fear. Most children fear their parents, assuming that the parents discipline the children when needed. The parents still love the children and want the very best for them, but have to punish when necessary.

I am realizing that for some reason I have fallen back on my knowledge that I am His, and that's all I need to worry about. That's completely not true. As a child, there is nothing we can do to TRULY separate ourselves from our parents. I'm not speaking on emancipation or whatever - I mean to truly remove any proof that we belong to our parents. There are however plenty of things that we can do to distance ourselves from our parents. It's just the same with God (feeling pretty stupid here). No matter what I do, I am His but my actions and lifestyle should be such that it pleases Him. Partially because I should fear falling from His favor and being removed from his protection (being left to my own devices) but mostly because if I am His daughter, I should want to make Him happy. (Pretty basic stuff here I know, but sometime you get so far down in that pit of life that everything that once seemed normal, now seems like another life ago... )

This will obviously filter down to most areas of my life. Being a better mom and teaching my daughters His ways - even more than I already do. Being the best example of the Proverbs 31 wife and therefore a better spouse and christian example to my hubby. Being a better Kara. Where has my joy gone? Remember that? Do you remember how I use to be? It's buried SO far inside of me now, that it's going to take an overhaul to get it back. It took a complete overhaul then to be ME and now to do it all again.... Not to mention I had a lot of joy then, for it to be near nonexistent now.

SO I've decided I'm going to go back to what I know. As for my weight, which effects TOO many areas of my life (and the lives of my husband and girls) I have decided to begin the Weighdown Workshop again. I did this program back in high school, but suddenly stopped when my stepfather passed away and I never went back. I had some success with the program and it has a biblical base. The only difference this time is I will be going it alone and not with any type of support group. That should be interesting. I will begin this once I get the information in the mail.

I'm going to continue the parenting book/study and hopefully start a Beth Moore study or even a book she came out with last year about Insecurity. She's pretty great.

I will keep ya posted... Be praying for me!

Lets Begin....

It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to publicly express my goals, shortfalls, personality and such but here goes.....

For quite a while I have been impressed to really study Proverbs 31: 10-31. Not to imply that I have no need to study the entire Bible, I just have been mulling this one over. If you aren't sure what I'm talking about, let me share the passage with you:

^"10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Sunday, the pastor of the church we have been attending since we relocated, preached on this and gave particular emphasis on verse 17 "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." Among other things, he talked about being physically able and ready to do whatever God asks of us. This filters down to so many areas if you are a mother and wife. I have battled weight and being out of shape for so long and I'm ready to move past it. One major thing I lack though is Self Discipline. How does one gain Self Discipline? Just by practice? By prayer? WHAT???

I remember back in high school, I was going through yet another particularly difficult patch in life and prayed over and over and over again for.. wisdom. There is no doubt in my mind that my prayer was honored and God struck me with more wisdom than I could have ever expected. I also know that through the years I have not used the spiritual side of me as much and know that I am no longer nearly as "in touch" with that well of wisdom as I once was.

I need to change some things in my life, in a major way. I need a total life make over. I don't mean so I can be prettier to other people or feel better about myself, but because I am NOT being the wife, mother or woman of God that I have always wanted to be or known I could be.
Lots of people think of me as a leader, and as a wonderful friend recently pointed out to me, I may be a leader (which I do not consider myself to be) but I am also a person who needs accountability. I hate to let people down. So I guess what I'm implying with this is that I need your help in this. I need to know that people expect better of me. This goes a lot against the "Self Discipline" thing, I know... but I just need a little push. A reminder what I'm not in this all alone.
Yes, I know Jesus is there for me too, and I am working on that relationship too, but I would greatly appreciate your prayer as I try my best to set out on this makeover road....

That's all for Day 1. I will keep it coming....