Ok. So I'll be honest. I'm trying hard to have a positive post, but at this very moment it's seeming near impossible. Hopefully just saying that will make me feel better :)
A few changes have happened over the last few weeks. First and most importantly is that the girls now know that I am living here and J is living there. I am happy to say that out of all of the possible ways they girls could have responded, they are currently dealing pretty well.
And now comes the reason for my title. I like to be right. Say the right thing. Or really it's that I do not want to say the wrong thing. (but I certainly like to be right lol) In most situations tho, I don't ask myself "what's the RIGHT thing to say now"... I typically say "No, don't say that.. don't say the wrong thing.. something that will make it WORSE"... so on to how this applies :D
Ava is my care-free child. Not very many things really ruffle her feathers, and for that I am VERY grateful. She seems ok right now, but I know that could change if at any moment something clicks in her and God's wonderful blessing of innocence wavers. Typically when things make an impression on Ava, they are BIG and Lasting impressions. My prayer is that she can remain as she is for as long as possible. She is my precious sweet girl.
Grace is my "need to understand" child. I find it hard sometimes to figure out what is something she needs to know and what will/could be to her detriment. She learned "the news" as I will call it, last Thursday a week from tomorrow. Then on Friday, when I didn't go back with her, Ava and J to the house, seemed to be where I saw her first sign of questioning what all is going on. She was never told "Your daddy and I don't love eachother any more and are getting divorced"... She was told "Daddy is going to live at our house out there and I am going to live here. You and Ava will be with daddy on the weekends. Just like we have already been doing all summer." She has been talking a lot about it. She's a lot like me. She needs to be heard. She needs to talk and know that someone understands who she is and how she feels. We were heading back home from the grocery store, just the two of us, and she mentiond that she was really sad about daddy living there without us. She suggested that this school year we live here and next school year we live there....
This is where I struggle. I believe she needs a sence of security and closure. But how do you offer closure without a child feeling unloved or that their feelings and wishes don't matter? How do you offer security and a child not feel abandoned? I want her to know how we love her and how it IS going to be ok. At the same time, I don't want to give her a false sence of security that J and I will be living in the same house ever again and be "together" again. I could have just left it alone, but that just delays the inevitable. Which leads to my next question, How long is too long to delay the inevitable - especially with a child like Grace? So I responded... "Grace, that is one idea but I need you to know that if you do that, I will be staying here." She looked shocked and confused. She really wants to understand the situation. "It's like you and daddy have broke up." she said. "Grace, your daddy and I love you sooo much. I am sorry this is how things are. But there are reasons why Daddy and I will not ever live together again. There are things that the Bible tells us. You will learn about them one day, but for now, you cannot know everything. Knowing everything is not good for kids." She cried for a few minutes and then I started making her laugh again. I think she is good. Unless she happens to be thinking about it. She so craves full disclosure. Wonder where she gets that from??? I can say that she has told several people, within minutes of being around them (people she knows but is not very familiar with) about things. As soon as they engage her and ask "so how are you grace, what's going on?", she tells them that she's sad because we live here and daddy lives there. All I know is she needs to be able to talk about it. And the fact that she mentions it throughout the day shows the extent it is on her mind.
My girls are so precius to me. If I can help it, I really do not want to "mess them up". I want to help and be strong for them. I need to know that I'm saying "The Right Things" that "I'm not wrong" in saying or doing what I'm doing. Not wrong when it comes to how things effect G&A. Seems right now, that' sbout the best thing I'm doing. Pretty much just treadding water in all other areas. I'm in need of some SERIOUS spiritual refreshing.
So I'll make a few other comments now about less important matters:
1. I'm reading "Pride and Prejudice" I'm 1/3 of the way through. Thank goodness it has such short chapers for the most part. I'm not much of a "completer of books" but I'm GOING to finish this before school starts!
2. Ava was feeling a bit puney today so to distract her from that, we began work on the much anticipated Fairy Garden. It's precious and she was excited to get to work on it. I'm now told that I have to MAKE fairies. I didn't sign up for that :) But I suppose we will HAVE to do that. Seems Ava's Tinkerbell figures are too big for the garden.
3. Purchased the girls' bunk bed and with MUCH appreciated help from Mom and Rodney, it was built and is SAFE lol for the girls to sleep in. They are super excited about that.
4. Praying God provides in several ways that must be addressed before school. Why do some things have to be so darn expensive?!?
5. Had the opportunity to spend some time with my cousins on my dad's side of the family last week and really enjoied it. It's been so long since we have had the chance to talk. Received a few photos of my dad and brother, which I always LOVE. Also got to spend a whole day with my brother and SIL Angela! I Honestly cannot remember the last time we did anything like that. it was SO nice and SO needed.
OK so there is my attempt at a not-so-negative post. I hope you are having a WONDERFUL summer and finding JOY wherever you can!
K
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
"There's a Storm Blowing up!.. A WHOPPER!" - The Wizard of Oz
Yep. A potential storm is headed this way and it's due towards the end of next week! Monday is Grace's test for enrollment at school next year. Wednesday is the same for Ava. I'm stressing for them. 2nd Grade and Kindergarten - should be smooth sailing, but we will see!
I have really been prayerful about the timing of when to tell the girls about what is REALLY going on. They still do not know. I have especially not wanted to break the news close to their school tests. I really don't want our life situation to be on their mind - distracting them while they are testing. So the waiting continues.
My plan is to tell them on Thursday next week. It's going to be a bad day all together. Grace has her first vaccine scheduled. She hasn't had a shot since she was 18 months so I know that will stress her out too.
I obviously have no idea how they will react. I'm praying for the right words and timing and for God to just protect them from all of the trauma - or as much as possible!
It has already been an interesting week for me too. It began with my LAST Sunday at the church we have been attending. The church where I found some friends. Where Grace was baptised. As terrible as it sounds, I really didn't want to go. I hoped Joseph would decide at the last minute, to stay home. I certainly was not about to send them to church and me stay home. We all went. I cried through the entire service.
I am SO tired of having to put on a happy face and pretend things are not how they obviously are. Church is the ONE place I should be able to just be ME. It's one thing if it's just me and the girls - i'll put on a happy face. I'm doing it for them. It's quite another when I am sitting with J in church and people around us know our situation. When asked "how are things going?" while I'm in front of J, I will obviously not be as frank as if I were alone. It makes me feel like a caged animal. I know they expect an honest answer from me. I know J is listening and I wouldn't want to say something to upset him. So When asked "So how are things going?... " my answer is "Uh Ya know." Not to mention being asked the same question when I'm in front of the girls.. or the girls AND J. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought or the interest - it's just exhausting and painful.
Things are not changing towards reconsiliation. I appreciate the hope. I have live in that very same hope for a few years now. Unfortunately, this is the real deal. Please just PRAY or instead of asking for an "update" ask if there is anything you can do to help. Or just pass on your sympathy for the really SUCKY situation. All of those are better then asking for an "UPDATE". Bringing the bad things to the surface over and over again.. or acknowledging that there has been no change that would restore our family is NOT something I want to repeat everytime I run into someone I know.
I know.,. 2 negative posts in a row. this will have to be the last one for a while!
<><K
I have really been prayerful about the timing of when to tell the girls about what is REALLY going on. They still do not know. I have especially not wanted to break the news close to their school tests. I really don't want our life situation to be on their mind - distracting them while they are testing. So the waiting continues.
My plan is to tell them on Thursday next week. It's going to be a bad day all together. Grace has her first vaccine scheduled. She hasn't had a shot since she was 18 months so I know that will stress her out too.
I obviously have no idea how they will react. I'm praying for the right words and timing and for God to just protect them from all of the trauma - or as much as possible!
It has already been an interesting week for me too. It began with my LAST Sunday at the church we have been attending. The church where I found some friends. Where Grace was baptised. As terrible as it sounds, I really didn't want to go. I hoped Joseph would decide at the last minute, to stay home. I certainly was not about to send them to church and me stay home. We all went. I cried through the entire service.
I am SO tired of having to put on a happy face and pretend things are not how they obviously are. Church is the ONE place I should be able to just be ME. It's one thing if it's just me and the girls - i'll put on a happy face. I'm doing it for them. It's quite another when I am sitting with J in church and people around us know our situation. When asked "how are things going?" while I'm in front of J, I will obviously not be as frank as if I were alone. It makes me feel like a caged animal. I know they expect an honest answer from me. I know J is listening and I wouldn't want to say something to upset him. So When asked "So how are things going?... " my answer is "Uh Ya know." Not to mention being asked the same question when I'm in front of the girls.. or the girls AND J. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought or the interest - it's just exhausting and painful.
Things are not changing towards reconsiliation. I appreciate the hope. I have live in that very same hope for a few years now. Unfortunately, this is the real deal. Please just PRAY or instead of asking for an "update" ask if there is anything you can do to help. Or just pass on your sympathy for the really SUCKY situation. All of those are better then asking for an "UPDATE". Bringing the bad things to the surface over and over again.. or acknowledging that there has been no change that would restore our family is NOT something I want to repeat everytime I run into someone I know.
I know.,. 2 negative posts in a row. this will have to be the last one for a while!
<><K
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